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THINGS WILL GET BETTER

2011-11-11T11:23:00.005-05:00

This week has been a little difficult. I guess a lot of it has to do with my 28th birthday. I turned 28 this past Monday and to be honest, I'm thankful to God for allowing me to be here and seeing this day, but a big part of me just isn't happy. Last year this time I went through some difficult transitions in my life that hard for me to deal with. This time last year, I had been laid off from my job (I had been there for 4 years), I had to have a surgical procedure, and my grades were slipping in graduate school. Fast forward a year later and there have only been minimal changes within my life. While I'm not back in graduate school, I have managed to find a part time job or should I say the job found me. I am still living with my mother (I am beyond ready to move), and I still don't have my DLs. This is not how I planned for my 28th birthday to be like. I never had any specific plans for myself by the time I was 28. I just wanted to be in a successful career and living independently. However, I see myself at the bottom looking up and it hurts so bad, I tell you it does. Talking about life taking an unexpected turn, this is a big one! I'm definitely on a journey and my ending is one that only god knows.

I find security in knowing that God is the only one that can bring me out of this journey and into a place of stability. He is the only one that knew my life would be like this at this very point in time. Knowing that gives me a stronger faith in the God that I serve. I have my moments when I cry because in all honesty it hurts. Going through hurts. It hurts to struggle, it hurts to see that your life is not where you want it to be, and it hurts to be honest with yourself and your situation. I have complete faith in God that all things are going tow work out for my good. According to the word of God, he knew the plans for my life before I knew myself, Jeremiah 29:11 states "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." That scripture and many others keep my going and feed my faith in the Lord.

I know bad times do last. I know struggles are only temporary. I also know that if I never struggle Iwill never be able to appreciated the blessings that God is ready to delivery into my life.

Here and Now

2011-08-14T01:09:00.005-04:00

Man, its been 4 months since I have posted something on here. I have been through so many ups and downs in these past 4 months. Let's see...I have yet to find a job in my desired career path. However, I am working part-time in one of my favorite stores, LB! I really enjoy working there and my manager is mad cool. She hired me without even giving me an interview...can we say WORD!!!! I am still blessed to able to receive my unemployment, but my mind state is slowly going in and out. I want to be working on a stable, suitable, and career focused job ASAP! I am not used to this. However, I do know that all of this is God's doing and he is testing me on so many levels right now.

Let's see besides bill collectors calling me, student loans people riding my back, and the basic bills kicking me and my mom's butt life is pretty good. I just came back from my 5th mission trip. This was my 5th year going to Guayaquil Ecuador and as usual God really blessed me. I saw people that have become my distant family members and most importantly I saw my adopted Ecuadorian baby....Oh she is so beautiful and even though I only see her once a year she remembers me like I'm there with her all day everyday. I will have a later post chronicling my Ecuadorian Mission Trip 2011....coming soon!

I have some emotional issues that I am still dealing with and I am contemplating speaking with my Assistant Pastor about them. Every time I think about them I begin to cry (like right now as I'm typing this). I hide my tears and pain from everyone and its getting harder and harder to do so. I think being out of work had made my emotional problems worse in a way. It hurts so bad, but I must keep going....can't let this stop me. I really don't know why these feelings are breaking me down like this...I cry out to God, but the pain is so hard to get past...I cry until I'm out of breath or better yet until I'm hyperventilating sometimes. I would say that I'm so over this, but clearly I'm not because I can't stop crying!...I hate dealing with my issues, I hate crying about them, and I hate talking about them, but something has to be done because this is starting to consume me. I think I am seriously teetering on depression and I need to speak with someone that can help me because I am not claiming any type of depression. I absolutely refuse to do so!

Until later...be blessed.

TORNADO ALLEY

2011-04-21T22:10:00.004-04:00

That is exactly where my home was this past Saturday.....I know I have been away for a while. I haven't been in the mood to "write" or "talk"...however you want to put it....However the events that unfolded this past Saturday has completely changed that.

There were a series of sever thunderstorms that came in from the Midwest part of the country. These storms had already killed 9 people, I think, in Oklahoma. The crazy thing is that during the day Saturday I was on the phone with my best friend talking, the sun was shining, and it was feeling great outside. We had the door to our deck open getting some fresh air, then all of a sudden the sky starts getting dark. I do remember the news saying something about storms coming our way, but no one knew it would be this bad. I was on the phone with my friend for a good while. While talking to her I kept noticing the wind picking up and the rain getting harder. After we hung up, I started looking at the news and they had did a complete interruption of the current program. The weatherman was reporting how a tornado or tornadoes had gone through some counties south of me. I began to worry because I have family in those counties. The funny thing about this ordeal was that my mom was in her room watching the news while I was in the living room. The weatherman said that it was going to hit our area in 10 minutes and it was going got be hard and fast.

Right then my mom and I had the same thought. We need to get dressed and go take cover in her bathroom. We were moving like the wind through our place getting clothing, medication, laptops, and anything else we thought we may have needed. It was so crazy because as soon as we got everything together the power was going in and out. We finally make it into her bathroom and as soon as we do we hear trees snapping, wind blowing, debree hitting the building....I mean it was SCARY!! As soon as it all happened it was finished. Like any sever storm afterwards the sun comes out and the rain stops. We along with our neighbors look out back to see huge trees that now look like rubble, one huge tree missed our building by inches, the main road behind us was blocked with trees on both sides. It was a complete mess. The neighborhood grocery store was damaged as well as the neighborhood(s) behind it.

The damage was surreal....I mean my mom and I heard everything and felt everything but God spared our lives and the people of in our neighborhood. After everything was over...we had to make those phone calls to make sure everyone was safe. My sister-in-law was driving back from the country, but she made it home safely. My aunt and uncle's families were both okay...just no power. Now my cousin and her family lost everything!!! It was her, her husband, and their son. She told her husband that they should clean out the downstairs closet just in case.....well as soon as they cleaned out the closet they had to get in it...her husband went upstairs to get something and that's when he saw the funnel cloud. They got in the closet and next thing they knew they were outside with the house all around them. One of my friends said he didn't know anything about the storm and was in his truck when the tornado came, a huge oak tree was on his house. A family from my church had a tree come through their kitchen and to top everything my 70+ year old aunt was hospitalized with chest pains.

My area lost power at 3:45 Saturday and did not get power until mid day Wednesday. There was a lot of candle burning, flashlight using, and getting home before dark that took place these past few days........After everything unfolded 23 within our state lost their lives including 4 children under the age of 10....the mobile home park they stayed in was demolished. It was so sad because the adult with them lost her 2 children and the other two were her nephews....they had nowhere to go but in a closet and a 100 year old oak tree fell on them! One of the HBCUs here cancelled class for the rest of the semester due to sever damage sustained to the campus. After thinking about everything I just fell into the greatest praise thanking God for keeping all of my family. You don't realize how serious it is until you have time to reflect....and I mean my mom and I could have easily been taken away but God didn't pull our number yet.

RECAP....2011 HAS JUST BEGUN RIGHT!

2011-03-07T02:36:00.003-05:00

So last time I was here I was speaking about my many situations since 2010 has ended and 2011 began. Well, for starters I lost my appeal for financial aid to continue graduate school. I have been looking for a private loan, but since I am still unemployed I cannot secure a loan. This means that I have to some how come up with almost $20,000 before March 9th.....if not I will be financially suspended from school...smh! I wish the situation had ended differently, but as the songstress put it "it ain't over until God says its over."....that I do believe.

I'm still unemployed...lol. Looking for a job is tiresome. I mean I have applied to so many places that it doesn't make any since. I know eventually something will come through for me in due time. Until then I will continue my search. However, I am tired of staying home all day everyday. I don't know how people do day in and day out! My goodness....that gets old. It was fine for the first few days, but after that I had a serious breakdown. I spent so many days crying and being depressed to the point where I almost lost myself. I still have my days, but they are more good than bad now. I am getting unemployment benefits so I have some income coming in, but I want an actual pay check and benefits! I thank God because it could all be worse than what it is. I must say my mother has been sticking by me and supporting me through all of this.

Lastly, I just had a distant uncle that passed away a couple of weeks ago. I didn't know all too well, but he is still family. It was a good service, but some of the people there were a trip. Since he, my mom, and my other aunts and uncles weren't that close.....his other side didn't know about them. So everyone was like "OH I DIDN'T KNOW HE HAD ANY SISTERS!" I mean they kept saying it as if my mom and aunts were down there (he lived in the country part of NC) to get something. We came to pay our respects, support the serviving kids, and visit with the family. Them on the other had were there for the money-how do we know? The news is slowly making its way to us...ain't that a trip!....my uncle passed due to a number of medical complications that eventually took its toll on his body. On the heels of his death my aunt that lives in Michigan finally contacted us...we hadn't heard from her in almost a year. When she called she let us know that she was staying away due to her own medical complications. She has lupus, rhumetiod arthritis, and kidney troubles. This is a lot to handle and on top of that my mom's youngest brother at age 45 has been diagnosed with bone cancer. MAN....WE WERE BUILT FOR THIS....that is the only thing I can say to keep my family strong and to keep me from crying!!

Through all of this there is an upside. I am waking up everyday clothed in my right mind. I can give praises to God for all things and eventhough I am not working I have been blessed to pay for my missionary trip to Ecuador-this will be my 5th year in a row gowing....WOW GOD IS AMAZING!...If he can bless me in this capacity, I know he can bless me and the ones I love financially..that includes you all that are reading this....GOD BLESS AND STAY FOCUSED!

Have You Ever Ever Ever In Your Long Legged Life??

2011-01-26T22:54:00.001-05:00

Okay, I'm not sure how to start this but here it goes...last week a church member passed away. He was killed by way of getting hit by a school bus. The entire story is so sad because it was a sudden death that was truly a mistake. From the stories going around the guy was riding a bicycle and road into traffic (thinking he could beat it). With that being said he was hit by the front of the bus, drugged up under the front wheel and stuck up under the bus. He succumbed to his injuries at the hospital. The deceased was a very kind hearted man. He was so full of life and loved the Lord as well as his family. Now his funeral was today. This is where things get interesting....

For starters the funeral was not held at our church, it was held at another church (his family decided that). This church was too small for the home going service, secondly the people...oh my goodness the people...!!...I have never seen people act in such an unprofessional and improper manner at a funeral. This was my first and Lord willing my last time attending a GHETTO funeral. The people came in talking loud, laughing, carrying on unnecessary conversations, and just being disrespectful to the deceased and his family. I mean I have never seen such actions. There were these two women behind me, my mother, and a few more of our church members. These two women carried on as if they were at home. Talking about getting their hair done, buying hot curlers, and eating candy. This one lady had the audacity to eat a GREEN LOLLIPOP! While the family was marching in, they continued to talk....wooo working my last nerve. This was the most ghetto funeral I've ever been too...These grown women were so disrespectful to the funeral service! It seems like every person that came in didn't know how to leave all ghetto tendencies at home. Whenever someone mentioned that area that the deceased grew up in the women behind me felt the need to shout it out like they were at a club or ghetto event talkin' bout..."THAT'S RIGHT...LANE STREET REPRESENT!!...WHAT WHAT!" I wanted to turn around and SHUT UP GHETTO BROAD, but I know One: that isn't Christ like and Two: It would have been disrespectful to the family. By the time this service was over...I was beside myself at how these people had carried on. My mother and other church members were in a state of disbelief as well at the actions of those that carried on in such an improper way.....

There are some other ghetto instances such as this man coming in wearing a fake rabbit white fur coat....looking a hot behind mess (of course the ghetto crew behind me had to laugh and say something)....it became standing room only at one point and the people didn't not want to go to the fellowship hall where the church was holding the overflow of people....the less dignified did not know how to leave orderly or quietly....so I ask the question again..have you ever ever ever in your long legged life....seen such or heard of such foolery at a funeral???

That Same Ol' Feelin'...AND IT DONT FEEL GOOD!!

2011-01-23T04:04:00.004-05:00

I don't know what it is but every time i see a movie about a love story I start getting that same old feeling. Why is it that I can never seem to find love? I don't mean a lustful type of love, but the kind of love that can only be found when fed with the love of God. I'm patiently waiting for God to send me the man that he has created especially for me, however, the wait has become long and hurtful. I'm tired of people asking me if I'm seeing anyone and having to reply "no." I mean, its hard not having a companion, but its even harder having to be faithful to God and to not move before him.....I'm just gonna end this post. I have too many thoughts that aren't coming out clearly. Maybe I will come back to finish this one at a later date. Like I said before I have that same ol' feelin' and it won't let me go on any further

So Long 2010

2010-12-28T11:07:00.003-05:00

2010 in the beginning was a great year for me. There were a few bumps along the road but for the most part everything was wonderful until the half way point.

It seems like as soon and June came in my year began to spiral. I had the resurgence of my father and that went on for about 2 months. I posted a letter to my father entitled "Waging War and Father Can You Hear Me?". That summed up everything that I have gone through with that man. Well, him trying to come back into my life (only to lie again which I wasn't fooled by) with surrounding situations caused me to have a serious nervous breakdown. Oh and to top everything off I began having some medical complications with me passing blood clots for some unkown reason.....eventually was resolved some months later!

My job situation was an ongoing thing. Its really hard to go into work everyday knowing that you are not being appreciated and that you have people watching and waiting to back stab you. The presence of EVIL was in that place HARD. I tried to maintain my position and not let anyone there break me. There were a few times when I wanted to just break out and let every underhanded person in that place have it, but God kept my mouth shut.

October came and went. During this time my mom I were going (still going) through some tough financial struggles. Seems like bills are always on the menu. Then on November 1 at 1:20pm my supervisor came to me to inform me that my time was up and that they would be laying me off!!! Of course she knew this ahead of time but waited until the last minuet to inform me. This lady has held me back from a number of positions that I know I was qualified for, but that is okay b/c God's favor is upon my life. Well, prior to me being laid off I found a cyst in one of most personal areas of my body. I was treated at my doctor and the next week is when I was laid off. November 7 was my birthday and during a that time another cyst formed....we're all adults here...both cysts were in my vagina area....the second one was right about the "sweet spot!" I again went to the doctor, she didn't know what it was so emergency surgery was needed. I went to the doctor on Tuesday..Wednesday morning I was called and told to be at Rex Surgical at 2pm so my procedure could be done at 2:30pm. Had the procedure only to be rushed to the ER the next night. Man, there was a battery of test performed from and EKG to a nuclear lung scan!!!

So now I'm unemployed (still), in pain, can't walk, getting vertigo from my medication, and now failing school because of my medical complications (currently going through and Financial Aid Academic Appeal as I type this)....WHAT A WAY TO END THE YEAR!! I'm pain free know,but I have some mountains to climb! That's okay because with every mountain there is a peak that can be reached and over that peak is my VICTORY and yours too if you believe! I can't dwell on my issues and trust there are too many right now, but God is my source, guide, and my Redeemer!

Well I give thanks anyway because I could not even be here. I could be dead mentally and physically. I've been battle tested and proven to win! There is nothing that can knock me down. Everything that happens is due in God's will.

I'm ready for 2011....I believing in elevation on every level. I speak over myself the positive and blessings over my life. I know if God had kept me this far....there must be something special for me at the finish line...God Bless everyone, see you in 2011, and know that even if I don't know you I still love you as God loves me!

Always In The Mood

2010-10-14T17:27:00.003-04:00

I'm always in the mood to be inspired either by music, books, poetry, or people. Right now I have my music playlist on some the most inspiring gospel music (in my opinion) right now.

My favorite songs:

Vashawn Mitchell: Nobody Greater

Earnest Pugh: Rain on Us

Brian Courtney Wilson: All I Need and Already Here

Donald Lawrence: Back to Eden

Yolanda Adams: In the Midst of it All, Be Blessed, and The Battle is Not Yours

Vickie Winans: The Rainbow

Bishop Paul S. Morton and Choir: How Great Is Our God

Maurette Brown-Clark: Breaking of Day

Douglas Miller: My Soul Has Been Anchored In The Lord

Martha Munizzi: Because of Who You Are

My favorite writers: (not including too much fiction writers)

Nikki Giovanni

Mya Angelou

Cornell West

Tavis Smiley

Joyce Meyers

Sistah Souljah

My favorite Speakers (most are spiritual leaders):

My own Pastor and Assistant Pastor

Paula White

Joel Osteen

Pastor Jamal Bryant

Joyce Meyers

Cornell West

These were very short lists...if you have any suggestions spiritually based or not please feel free to share. I'm always in the mood for something new to inspire me.

ONLY ME

2010-09-29T15:10:00.003-04:00

Been busy as of last couple of months. Had some personal issues to resolve as well as grad school taking up my time. Finally, I have what seems like a milli-second to come here and post something. Well...here I am and here it is...

For the last couple of days it has been rainy and muggy out. With having no car and my mom's car being in the shop I have to ride the bus to work. Now, that doesn't bother me b/c nothing remotely interesting ever happens on my way to and from work. However this past Monday proved to be a little different. It began raining on Sunday evening and went on throughout the night..including us losing power for like 3 hours. Well I woke up Monday morning, LATE, and had to rush to the bus stop. Now to give a time frame this is what it was looking like.

Got up at 7:15....I usually catch the 7:21 bus..that didn't happen
Took bath and was out of the bathroom by 7:35
Got dressed by 7:40
Put wig on by 7:42
Left the house at 7:43
...it is an 8 minute walk from my house to the bus stop the bus comes at 7:52...
At 7:48 I am a block away from the bus stop...what do I see turning the corner..THE BUS
That bad boy came 4 minutes early...Now I had to wait until 8:21 for the next bus...IN THE RAIN!!

By this time car after car after car has passed me with every person giving me that "sad, oh, she's in the rain face.." Next thing I know...a car passes me, backs up and all I hear is "Are you going Downtown?" I yell "Yes Sir!" Now usually I would never step foot into the car of a strange man, but it was raining, I was getting wet (with an umbrella), and a mosquito had just bit me! So, I hopped my behind right into that car! He was a small framed man with glasses, so I figured if anything went down him and his little car would be tore up by your's truly!! Let's just say the ride was eventful for the 15 minutes that I was in there. This man cursed with ever other word he said, dug up his nose, made a phone call..while cursing, and asked for my phone number after getting me to work. I was not amused. To show my appreciation, I sent him a text the next day saying thank you it was nice, neat, and to the point. He didn't respond and I didn't think anything of it. That was until 5pm when he called me wanting to talk!! From our conversation he told me that he was divorced with 3 children the oldest being 22, 15, and 9....I promptly told I was 26! Not to mention he is a year younger than my mother (he is 48). I then told him I had an older brother! He kept dishing hints of "us" hanging out---"NOT HAPPNIN" He then goes on to talk about how he used to have a six pack and how he isn't in bad shape now and would show one day---EEERRR NOT HAPPNIN!!

How and why do I get the oldies and crazies...do I have a magnet or something?

In My Mind

2010-07-28T17:13:00.003-04:00

Before I go into this post I have to shout out all of my fellow missionaries!! We just got back from Guayaquil, Ecuador. This was my fourth year in a row going and every year God never seems to do less than what we expect him to do. His power is so amazing and it is a true blessing to be an actual witness to what he can do in the lives of those that sincerely want to know him. I will have a post about my trip (it may be in several parts), but there will be one coming soon with pictures.

Okay, on to my post....I'm not sure how this is going to work out, but I am going to put out some things about me that only take place in my mind!...no I'm not crazy this is just another pit stop to helping me find my destination....IN MY MIND

I am a size 12 instead my actual size 26

I can sing

I can break dance...I'm the illest b-girl

I have an actual career

I have my dream car

I have my dream house

I'm not as shy as I am in reality

I don't have any body image problems

I'm the baddest chic you'll ever meet...at times

I have a sexier demeanor about me

I am with the man that God has designed for me....and he loves me

I have a 4.0 in grad school

This is only a short list, but when I take a look at it, it goes deeper for me. Some of this can be my reality if I stay focused on God and my own well being. 6 months to a year from now I will revisit this list and see which of them will be the truth for me...until then IN MY MIND they will be.

IN THE MAKING

2010-06-08T16:46:00.002-04:00

I am a blessing in the making:

God has given me the tools to become a blessing. Whether it is to myself or to those around me I am a blessing in the making. God's rewards on earth are mine (and yours) for the taking. The only thing is that we have to earn them. God will never hand us a victory or a blessing we have to earn them. Its not enough to say "Yes, I believe or Yes, I will follow." We have to live by example(s) as well. Don't judge me by the way that I dress, walk, speak, or look. Instead judge me by the way that I praise. Giving praise and worship to God is one of the highest acknowledgements of his existence. You see we can't hide from him nor can we run, but we can submit willing and forcefully. If we don't kneel down before him he will put us in a position were that (kneeling) will be the only option. God is not some man on the street that can be overlooked with little disregard. Instead he is a forceful, loving, all-knowing power that will take you were you need to be in any given moment in life. We may not always be were we want to be, but God has us were we need to be and it is up to us to see the blessing(s) behind that.

We all have different walks of life that we must follow. We will all answer to God at different times in our lives, when, that is left up to him. Being a blessing to someone is not about being perfect, or striving for perfection---that will never be humanly possible. Perfection is resting on the throne and we follow his footsteps. He set a path for each and every one of us. It is going to take some longer than others to follow that path, but in the end submission will happen. Being a blessing to others is not always about giving tangible items. Being happy for your brother or sister in the midst of their blessing can actually bless you! You may not see it and you may not understand it, but in the end God will reveal it to you. If you have dreams that you know are based on God's word and anointing speak them into existence because your dreams are only a visualization of the victories that await you. God will never not bless his people remember he wants to bless us.

It has taken me a while and I am still learning, but being were I want to be is not were God needs for me to be right now. See giving us everything we want will only spoil us. He will consider us for certain circumstances. He knows which one of us will be the strongest to withstand that is why we are given certain battles to fight. The battle we fight will never end in a loss. Why, because we were already given the victory. However, we must fight, praise, and pray in the midst of to show God that we do believe in his power. God will never put us through a battle to lose and be taken out. He will put us through so that we can see just how powerful he is and to see how quick we will call and allow him to operate in our going-through. Remember you are a blessing in the making!

God is real, God is love, God is here. Be a blessing to someone because you never know that person may in turn bless you!!

I Wouldn't Blame You!!

2010-06-03T09:49:00.004-04:00

If no one came back to my blog and quit following me I wouldn't blame you...my slack behind. I know this is going to seem really random because my last post was like 2 months ago and I was going on about how I was be posting more etc etc...

Well, graduate school kicked in and I had work coming from every spot imaginable. Found out my youngest uncle has bone cancer at age 44...To top everything off my mother had medical issues, her crappy work insurance wouldn't pay for a surgery that she needs, my job is giving the run-around, and my sperm donor...oopps father decided he wanted to step back into my life...

****INSERT NERVOUS BREAKDOWN HERE****

My grades this quarter ended up dropping due to all of the stress that flooded my life and situations have not gotten any better, well they have some what, but.....

my father is trying to get back into my life, but right now I am not feeling him. I have forgiven him, but the people around seem to think that b/c that has happened I should want to be around him NOT!! No one is understanding that and makes it very difficult for me to process everything. My mother insist on bringing him to our house without asking me which pisses me off something seriously and royally....and had the nerve to let the negro spend the night twice without asking. The second time I asked if he was staying she said no and the bastard did anyway--so much for my feelings!!! My brother has given me some good advice and understands that it is going to have to happen when I am ready (for the relationship to take place). My mom keeps saying don't wait too late b/c some people don't get this kind of chance. I know that and its true, but this man has had more than one second chance to get it right. I'm 26 (turn 27 in November)...from the time I could remember he's had plenty of chances, now things will have to happen on my terms and time.

I'm not bitter, hurt yes, mad not anymore...well I was for the past two weeks b/c my feelings were not taken into consideration. I got so mad that I just shut down and didn't say anything to anyone. If I said something it was one word answers with a sharp tone. I finally spoke with my mom and I still don't think she fully understands were I am coming from. This is a messy situation that is only complicated by the fact that this man wants to get back together with my mother and I am not stupid I see her falling back for him. She is grown and I can't control that so I just keep my mouth shut and go about my business. This is the time, now more than ever for me to get my own place b/c I'm not ready to be around him and have him over for dinner like we're a happy family!!.....Only God and time will fix this....

The final shot to my mixed up world right now is that I have been on my monthly cycle for two weeks!! I have very irregular cycles and take birth control pills to regulate it. However, having a temporary job position means no benefits, which means no doctor, which means no regular prescription. If I go to the doctor I have to pay out of pocket (-$$$) and the cost of the meds is crucial!!!....this could be stressed induced from everything else, but it can also be coming from my condition Polycysitc Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I was diagnosed with this when I was about 16. I got my first cycle at age 9 or 10. Had it every month for a year, had once the next year, skipped it during the ages of 12-15 (well spotting occurred every now and then), and finally was diagnosed at 16....

Thank God for Salvation cause a chic would have lost it a long time ago with everything that has been going on right now!!

Okay! Can U Say Renege...????

2010-03-19T22:38:00.002-04:00

I feel like I have been playing a game of spades for the past few months. I know I came by here saying how I would be posting regularly...Well your girl has been in school since December and it has been kicking my behind big time. Between school, work, and personal issues I have been one busy chic. I just finished my first quarter of graduate school and your girl has a 3.0 GPA!!!---GO ME GO ME GO ME!!...let me stop.

Now how have all of you been? I trust that life has been treating you all very kind. I must say that God has blessed me to make it through some difficult situations and he is seeing me through one right now---HE WILL SHOW HIS GLORY!! I must say that coming here and writing is such a release of pressure for me. I am growing distant from someone that is really close to me, and only God knows how this is going to end. I don't know...I am starting to view things differently. I know it is me growing closer to God and me coming into my own grown-woman status...lol..

I guess this is my second step..now I don't know when the third will be, but hmmm I am not going to make empty promises and become a habitual reneger...I have a lot more to discuss, but I have to get back to my homework...Love all of you with the Love of the Lord--and that is true!!!...More to come!

S.O.S..Same Old Sssshhhhh...ttttt!..with a side of mystery sauce!

2010-01-07T23:40:00.004-05:00

When I first started this blog I had every intention on posting something everyday, week, and month. Well some how my focused changed, my love for writing changed, shoot I don't even have an excuse. So while I'm in the middle of homework--I've decided to put my procrastination aside and put something out here.

I really haven't visited the other sites that I used to frequent. I miss them so much. It has been what---2 months since my last post. Somethings have changed for me for one I am now in school getting my master's degree--2 snaps for me!! I will be the first in my family to receive such an honor. Other than going to school there really hasn't been anything new in my life. However, my friends, of course keep me entertained for days on end with there drama. Where should I start?

Best Friend:

She is done with that "chic" and is now talking to her ex-boyfriend again. You know the same one that had her spazzing out on the phone with me. Your boy has some serious issues and she does too. I don't know what to say about this one. He needs someone to be there for him cause his family isn't but I don't think it is healthy for her to be that person he leans on. Maybe its just me but I see the cycle of them going through pain and pleasure all over again. Only time will tell what happens and I will inform you all about it.

Co-Worker:

Now this female is seeing has been seeing this lazy, ignorant, piece of a man for over a year now. He half way works, has no respect for her, and is married--which he lied about. Now when she found out he was married his wife told her...How you may ask? Get this his wife contacted my friend via FACEBOOK!!!.....I was on complete mute when that happened...all you could hear in my head was *crickets singing*....they have gone through some more stuff, but my issue with her is that she keeps saying she is tired of him. She can't be too tired cause they have moved twice since being together--with her paying for everything during both moves. From the things she has told me about this dude--I DON'T TRUST HIM!!...She said she planned to leave him on Dec. 31st well that day has come and gone and he is still there. Well it is Jan. 7 and she hasn't been to work in 2 days. I don't know what is going on, but I'm not going to jump to any conclusions. All I know is, if this girl does not come to work tomorrow I will be calling her. If she doesn't call, text, or hit me up on facebook...suspect #1 will be getting a knock at the door from the police!! I just have a gut feeling that if she tries to leave him he will go crazy. I know one time she was going to leave him. She had found a place for her and her kids (none of them his). Everything was in order and when it was time for her to move she got mysteriously sick...I mean hospital sick--seizure and all. I think ol' dude put something in her food cause he is the only one that cooks in the house.....Jeenkies Shaggy I Smell A Mystery!!!!...I will inform you on what happens later.

Oh for the few follower that I do have thanks for not removing yourself and for the new one I noticed...thanks!!! I won't be gone for too long this time--I Promise!!

Okay...So now I'm a lesbian AGAIN!!!

2009-11-24T15:07:00.003-05:00

Lol...Woooo!! This is that what popped into my head when best friend told me that she was liking this female. Oh my goodness!......OH SNAP...WAIT A MINUTE!

I'm sorry I know its been a while since I've been here! Been too busy and had too many distractions, but now a chic is focused...okay back to my story!

My birthday was earlier this month and I went to visit my best friend for the weekend. I can honestly say that we are going in two different directions with our lives. She is still in party mode and I am ready to be the Christian God has called me to be. However, we managed to meet in the middle and have a good time. Let me tell you, I love her like a sister, but she is a puff and a drink away from being some type of an addict. She was always a drinker, but would never drink to get drunk now she is drinking and not knowing how much money she spent at the bar. She now drinks to get drunk...SO LAME--before someone goes in on me--I've told her that was lame.

Well she has just broken up with a boyfriend that was less than perfect and in the end only cared about himself. There were plenty of nights were she would call me at 1am crying about how he doesn't care. There were also plenty of nights were I would tell her she needs to put herself first and stop losing herself in relationships, but she didn't listen until it was too late...

Now she is liking this female...her liking females is nothing new b/c when we were in undergrad together she was dating a female and I was put in between each and one of their many problems....WHY ME!!!....she said after that relationship was over she wouldn't date any other female...LIE!...I guess one would have to know my friend in order to know why I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed b/c I know exactly were this relationship will go and who will once again be stressed! I just want to yell "love yourself enough to know that being in a relationship right now is not healthy...get to know yourself!" She talks a good game, but can never live up to it....so now she is not liking men anymore. Now she's back to women!!! Nothing but flip flopping and back switching going on here!!

Facing My Past for the Future

2009-10-16T00:53:00.002-04:00

I've been waiting and debating for so long on whether I should write this post or not. By writing this I have to come to terms with some things that happened in my past. I would have to face some realities and truths that go along with this. However, this past Sunday my pastor made a goo comment about having skeletons in the closet and for some people we may have bodies in our closet. Well, I have one issue that I have never faced still dangling in my closet. I have never told anyone until now. Actually, it took me up until yesterday to really admit to myself what happened and the effects that I suffered also.

When I was around 5 or 6 my next door neighbor, she was not too much older than me, would come over to play with me sometimes. Well one day she said she wanted to play a game were she was a "boy" and I was a "girl." I said okay, and so we started playing and next thing I know she begins to touch me in all of the wrong areas. At first I didn't like it but she convinced me that we were just playing and that no one would never know. She said that she did this with all of her friends. So we kept playing and she then asked me to lay down so that she could "do it to me." She repeatedly touched me and rubbed her body against mine. She kept telling me that no one would find out and that if I wanted to continue being her friend we would have to switch places. Meaning I would play the boy and she would be the "girl." She would coach me on were to touch her and how to rub up against her. I never told anyone cause she said friends wouldn't tell on each other. So, as the years went by I just put it in the back of my memory until recently. I have been going through some personal recognition and truths so that I can move forward with my life. Releasing this has made me feel a lot better. As to whether or not I believed she molested me, I don't know? Maybe one would say she did and someone else would say she didn't. I just know that now I don't have this stuck in my mind as a bottled up memory so I am at peace with myself.

Depressed No More!!

2009-10-03T19:28:00.002-04:00

Hey...I'm back..People I tell you. I was going through some changes. My job had to let me go for month and I should be back to work in November (thank God). My personal life isn't going the way I want it to go. So for a while I have been in a very quiet mood.....But all of that has changed now!!!

I don't know what was going on with me. For that past several weeks I've been in a major funk. I don't know if I was depressed, hurt, or just not feeling life at that moment. However, your girl is doing much better now. I think a switch just went off and said "Okay, its time to move on." Moving on is just what I did. I've started a new workout plan, got a new hairstyle, and bought some new clothes and shoes. I had to cheer myself and start down my new road of self discovery. I think my change of mood may have something to do with the change of the season. Fall is here and there are new beginnings all around me. I can hardly wait to step into my destiny!

As time goes on I will be more consistent with my life changes as well as posting new things along with venturing out. Not only will I be venturing out more in my personal life, but in the blog world as well. I got some new ideas floating around in my head and very soon they will be manifesting themselves in my life and the lives of others. Until then, talk to you all later!!!

Semi-Update...the same ol' same ol'

2009-08-27T18:21:00.003-04:00

Okay I'm here....been busy for a while..not having the internet at home is getting me too. I tell you if hasn't been one thing after another. I got back from my trip to Ecuador at the beginning of the month. Came back home sick with bronchitis and upper respirtory infection. I stayed out of work for an extra week (my Lord). Come back to work with a mountain of papers on my desk and day by day the stack gets larger. Now my job my job. Am I thankful for it yes, do I like everyone here--NO!! You always have those that nose around in your business. Well in my case that person or person(s) nosing around got me called into a private meeting with my two managers. Now these people could have saved their breaths cause what they were speaking about I already knew. I tell you this someone around here better keep my name out of their mouth and worry about their own job.

I know this is just a hard attempt by the devil to knock me off my game of walking in the glory of God. However, he will not win....I'm more than a conquorer through Jesus Christ!!!! Now they have some people playing babsitter with me like I don't know it. Its three nosey women and I know they are guilty because when I look at them they can't look me in the eye. One of them was face to face with me from a distance (a short one) and she quickly turned her head. This little old lady needs to take heed just as the rest do. They don't know that by messing with and trying to underhand a child of the Kingdom is the same as doing the Almighty the same way. He created all of us in his own image. Following his plan for our life is a choice we must make but for the ones that do no weapons formed against us will prosper. That is why these people around here need to be careful. I'm not perfect in anyway possible but I do have a relationship with my Father. His hand is mighty and his wrath is feirce. Going against him in all his ways will only result in spiritual death for the wicked.

With that being said I'm done speaking about work....next subject!!!....tbc: to be continued

Read My Mind

2009-08-12T11:27:00.004-04:00

"He Loves Me (Lyzel In E Flat)"

You love me especially different every time
You keep me on my feet happily excited
By your cologne, your hands, your smile, your intelligence
You woo me, you court me, you tease me, you please me
You school me, give me some things to think about
Ignite me, you invite me, you co-write me, you love me, you like me
You incite me to chorus, ooh
Ooh...

You love me especially different every time
You keep me on my feet happily excited
By your cologne, your hands, your smile, your intelligence
You woo me, you court me, you tease me, you please me
You school me, give me things to think about
Invite me, you ignite me, co-write me, you love me, you like me
Incite me to chorus
La, la, la...
Da, da, da...
Do, do, do...

You're different and special
You're different and special in every way imaginable
You love me from my hair follicles to my toenails
You got me feeling like the breeze, easy and free and lovely and new
Oh when you touch me I just can't control it
When you touch me, I just can't hold it
The emotion inside of me, I can feel it

Ah...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pY-CACRCdt8

Jill did her thing with this song. I mean if someone were to ask me to describe my ideal man I would just play this song. Its like she was in my head when she wrote this. Even though I was in high school when this CD was dropped the song still resides in my heart. It brings me back to a guy that I was crushing on in high school as well as a close male friend of mine from college. I can put this song on and just drift away. I love how she says "you co-write me"...I mean that is one thing every woman is looking for in a man. To have that special someone to compliment you in every way is almost magical. When I get married I am most definitely going to play this song at my wedding....love love love the song as if you couldn't tell.

Taking A Break and Having Fun

2009-08-07T12:26:00.003-04:00

I saw this over at Sharon's place and thought it would be a good way to break the mood I'm in while at work. I will give this a try seems like fun. What you do is pick an Artist then use the titles of their songs for the answers to the questions.

Pick your Artist: Michale Jackson

Are you a male or female:"PYT"

Describe yourself:"Smooth Criminal"

How do you feel:"Never Can Say Goodbye"

Describe where you currently live:"I Wanna be Where You Are"

If you could go anywhere, where would you go?"Rock With You"

Your favorite form of transportation:"Butterflies"

Your best friend?"Dirty Diana"

You and your best friends are:"Dangerous"

What's the weather like:"Shake Body Down to the Ground"

Favorite time of day:"Rockin' Robin"

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:"Remember the Time"

What is life to you:"Leave Me Alone"

Your relationship:"You Are Not Alone"

Your fear:"Gone too Soon"

What is the best advice you have to give:"The Man in the Mirror"

Thought for the Day:"Don't Stop 'Till You Get Enough"

How I would like to die:"Thriller"

My soul's present condition:"Off The Wall"

My motto:"Beat It"

I must say this was fun...Amazing to see how I relate these songs to my life..Will forever be a MJ fan.

I Made It Through.....God Kept Me Here!!

2009-08-06T08:49:00.002-04:00

I enjoyed my trip and would not change a thing that happened especially getting sick. Getting sick is all apart of the journey to Ecuador. Its something you can't really avoid--it just happens. This year for me it hit me really hard. I came home with a bad chest cold that I gave to my mother. She in turn got a viral infection and my chest cold turned into bronchitis and an upper respiratory infection. Now this to a blind eye may seem like a consequence of place and circumstance. However, to my spiritual eye I know this was an attempt of the devil. He knew he couldn't break my focus while I was gone so he wanted to knock me down while I was at home. He knows the circumstance I'm facing here at home and he knows that I need to be at work, but I give God glory anyway. I may not be 100% in my body just yet but like the saying goes "One monkey don't stop no show" and my show will not be canceled by the attempts of someone that fell from grace---NOT HERE NOT NOW NOT NEVER!!!

Well what can I say. I made it!! I went to Ecuador and back with God's grace and mercy on my shoulders. My trip this year was different to say the least. There was a lot of warfare in the spiritual going on. It seem like everyone had something going on with them by way of the devil. He tried and he tried to take our focus but in the end God already claimed the victory. I was blessed by so many people and families. I was actually pulled out of my element by my pastor this year. He asked me to do intake with him. We sat down with the families and took notes on what some of their medical issues were before they saw the doctor. This was trying for me a first because I know very little Spanish but the amount that I do know was enough to understand the needs and concerns of the people coming in.

I can't tell you how many people/families came in with the flu, parasites, bronchitis, inflammation of the body, vision problem, or all of the above. It sadden me to see the really young and the really old. They were the worse patients. They were the ones that could hardly do for themselves and to see them go through so much pain was heartbreaking. I know here seeing a single mother is nothing new but to see one down there is something completely different. Being a single mother there means literally having no money and no way of getting assistance. At least here the government will step in and give some type of aid versus in Ecuador or the city of Guayaquil, were the government is pretty much ran on the notion of autonomy.

For the entire time we were doing the make-shift medical clinic we were located in the most dangerous part of the city. We didn't know how dangerous it was until we found out that our three bus drivers had been robbed at gun point while we were working one day. Now the gang members that did this could have come in and really hurt us and did more damage to our drivers, but by the grace of God all they did was take their money and cell phones. No one was harmed physically so thank God for that.

I do have more to tell and as the days go by and I begin to feel better I will post more with pictures too....until them....

Ecuador

2009-07-23T08:38:00.002-04:00

Well I have been here since Saturday July 18th. I am getting ready for my second to last full day of work. I cannot wait to post some pictures from this year. God has really blessed me this time around. I would have never thought that I would be doing the intake process. I am not fluent in spanish by no means but here I am sitting and asking them what is wrong what are their medical problems and trying to get them guided in the right direction!!!! In only a few short days I have seen so much. The one thing I can honestly say it that we Americans are SELFISH!!! We have everything at our finger tips and yet we still are not satisfied. I see children here living with no running water, having to drink parasite infested water, or better yet not eating for days at a time. They grow up so fast and its heart breaking. They play soccer wherever they can find space whether it is the street or an open feild riddled with broken glass. The stinch here is awful. Imagine having to wake up day after day to deizle fuel and trash. The inside of my nose is black due to the fumes but these people live like this on a daily basis. I find myself complaining about my job but to them I am rich. The people here are doing good if they make .90cents an hour compared to our $7.50 at minimum wage......The hotel workers here make only $104 a month!!!! And we have the nerve to complain about not getting a raise or taking a pay cut. There is so much more to be said and I will later I have to get ready to leave for work today, but think about this....We complain about things that can be changed over time because nothing is permanent when the word ¨change¨ is involved.....quote to be continued.......

Changes

2009-07-15T16:15:00.002-04:00

That is exactly what I have been going through as of late. I have been experiencing spiritual, emotional, and personal changes. However, my body has been going through its own set of changes. One day my leg/knee hurts, the next day its my stomach. The day after that its my right eye muscle. Now it seems as if my chest is having some unfamiliar feelings. All of this boils down to the number one issue....I need to lose weight---not now but right now. I won't disclose my actual weight in numbers (I'm too embarrassed) but I will say this. If I keep eating the way that I do...I am going to have some serious long term effects from it. I already have a condition in which I have very irregular periods (if I have one at all). Little fluid sacks or cysts will form on my ovaries when its time for me to ovulate. They disappear when my period comes, but like I said they are very irregular if present at all.

So now I'm here asking for any helpful tips for losing weight. Any information will be greatly appreciated. I'm very young and I want to live a long life but right now I know I am cutting myself short with my bad eating habits and lack of exercise. So, I'm humbling myself and asking for help....!!!

So Excited!!

2009-07-13T12:57:00.002-04:00

Finally, the time has come. I have less than a week (5 days to be exact) until I leave for Ecuador. Oh my goodness I get to see all of those beautiful faces and spread the word of God to so many. I cannot wait to see a family that I met 2 years ago. I know I just may cry when I see them. I know that God is going to do some wonderful things within me and within the entire missionary group. I just can't wait to see how God is going to move throughout this trip. Now I must admit I like flying but taking off is not my favorite part. I just sit back close my eyes, say a prayer, and try to relax until I fall asleep (that is my coping method). I will do my best to update while I'm gone but I'm not sure how that will work out. I know for sure that when I get back I will most definitely have a wonderful story to tell. I pray for a safe trip there and back. To God be the glory and giving much praise for his current and future blessings.

???????????....U pick a title for me!

2009-07-06T14:13:00.005-04:00

Now this is a long one...the person I got it from misnumbered like crazy so its not exactly 65 questions. Even though its long as I don't know what. I did this out of pure boredom and will not tag anyone. You can do this if you want...Have at it!!

65 Questions You've Probably Never Been Asked...

1. First thing you wash in the shower? Face

2. What color is your favorite hoodie? Don't own a hoodie....

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Yes

4. Do you plan outfits? No that never works for me I always change my mind

5. What's the biggest thing you can throw? A fit when I get mad

6. What's the closest thing to you that's red? Pen and pencil

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? Ummm...I would if I could but....

8. Did you meet anybody new today? Not yet the day is still young

9. What are you craving right now? Prosperity

10. What's your favorite scary movie? Wrong Turn

11. What comes to mind when i say Cabbage? Patch Kids

12Are you emotional? Yes

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000? No

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? Lick

15. Do you like your hair? Yes I have a head full

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? Yes sure would and he's paying

18.What are you listening to right now? Computer screen

19. Are your parents strict? No just overprotective

20. Would you go sky diving? The only way I'm jumping is if the plane is on fire and 10ft off the ground

21. Do you like cottage cheese? NO

22. Have you ever met a celebrity? Yeah: Xzibit, Ivan Koloff(old school wrestler...what you know about that)...

23. Do you rent movies often? No

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in? Umm...does the flashing light from the fire alarm count?

25. How many countries have you visited? One: Ecuador and I will be there again in 8 days.

26. Have you made a prank phone call? Yeah: who hasn't

27. Ever been on a train? Yes

28. Brown or white eggs? White

29. Why not hard boiled? They smell and take too long

30. Do you use chop stick? When the mood hits me

31. Do you own a gun? No

32. What do you sleep in? My bed

33. Who are you going to be with tonight? My Lord and Savior

34. Are you too forgiving? No I don't think so

35. Next thing you plan on buying? My dream house

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow? Hopefully waking up..lol

37. Ever dated a cheerleader? NO

38. Last time you cried? During the MJ memorial

39. What is one thing you want to do before your next birthday ? Get my license and my dream car

41. Do you have any tattoos? No

42. Are you sarcastic? Sometimes

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? No

44. Ever walked into a wall? YES

46. Have you ever slapped someone? No...well in the face no on the back of the head yeah

47. Is your hair curly? Curly-No Kinky-NO Nappy-yes..getting a perm ASAP

48. What was the last CD you bought? The Best of Sade

49. Do looks matter? To an extent yes

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater? Everyone deserves forgiveness...not for them but for you so you can move forward

51.Are you a butt or a ? I will leave that to the men

52. Do you like your life right now? Yes God gave it to me, he directs it, and puts me where I need to be

53. Do you sleep with the TV on? Yes

4. Can you handle the truth? Yes

55. Do you have good vision? With my contacts yes

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? Don't have any room in my heart for that kind of energy

57. How often do you talk on the phone? Not often...not a phone person

60. What is your favorite animal? Yorkshire Terrier

61. Where was your default picture taken? Its the Boston Celtics..various pics that I put into a collage

63. Do you have a job? Yes...no I'm working on my career cause this is not it

64. What was the most recent thing you bought? scrubs for my Ecuador trip

65. Have you ever crawled through a window? Have you seen me it better be a picture window...lol just kidding...seriously No

Everyone plays the fool sometimes....RIGHT

2009-07-03T06:07:00.002-04:00

OKAY....remember my friend whom I spoke about (living with a married man). Well like I said she didn't leave him , not gonna leave him, but is now praising him because he got a job. She has sought advice from me, her step-sister, and even some of the men at work. We have all told her the same thing. HE IS TELLING LIES NOW LEAVE HIM!!! I don't know what to tell her. They are never going to be truly happy because he is MARRIED. I just want her to see that she does not have to settle for this mess. He will never be all hers. Which brings me another point all together. Right now I can't go into it because it is 6:15am I've had 2hrs of sleep and now I'm going back to sleep cause its Friday and I'm out of work!!

Been a long time...Deliverance

2009-07-03T05:34:00.002-04:00

Hmmm....its been a while since I've sat down and posted. I've been extremely busy. It seems like all of my free time has been taken up by something or someone. It seems like my roads have been getting longer and the journey even harder. For the past three weeks I have not been able to get enough rest. I go to bed at 1 or 2 in the morning then wake up a 6. So much going on in my life (good and trying times).

My mom hasn't been doing the best health wise. She went to the doctor and will be out of work for a week now. On top of that we had to meet with a housing counselor today because we are behind on our mortgage payments (like so many other families...but I don't blame Obama like some others do). The meeting went wonderfully. Our counselor was really cool and helpful. He spoke with us as if he already knew us which made it very helpful. I'm trying to get a new job and go back to school all while getting ready to miss a week from work myself so I can go to Ecuador. I know some people wouldn't understand why I'm going to Ecuador now, bu I know God has a plan for my life and that if I'm gonna do his work I'm gonna have to go to far places to reach those in need. Also, I know he has called me to go to Ecuador. The people there live in my heart daily.

In the midst of going through all of this. I have not complained and will not complain. I know that brighter days are ahead and God has a bigger picture for me already laid out. I've been dealing with some things in the spiritual since, but after last week I now stand taller and stronger. We had our singles conference at church last week and I must say I was truly blessed. Now, before I go any further let me explain what the title "Singles Conference" really means. This ministry at church is not geared towards meeting people or hooking up and not even a dating service. So just because it says "singles" it doesn't imply that. Yes we are single and in church but the main focus is to be a place were people who are single can come and get guidance and seek Christ with others that are in church. Our main focus is the first, edify the body of Christ, second let people who are single know that they are not alone in this chaotic world, and third allow others to come and fellowship with saints in the church that are true about salvation while offering an alternatives to other methods of the "world."

To God be the glory because I am coming out of some serious problems, but I have given them to God. I also speak deliverance to the problems of the future. Whatever they maybe or how hard they may get, God has already dealt with them and declared my victory!!!

I'M MARRIED WITH TWO CHILDREN NOW!!!

2009-06-15T10:05:00.002-04:00

Now when I started this journey in finding my way through my life I did plan on taking others with me in hopes that they would help me find out more about myself. However, I never planned on taking their problems and excess baggage with me. I told about my friend in the "OH YEAH I'M MARRIED" post. Well now there is more to the story then this guy being married.

Like I said before finding out he was married was just the tip of the iceberg for her. The current wife has been e-mailing her telling some interesting details. This guy has not paid child support since his wife filed for it. This means that she had to put a warrant out for his arrest and this thing stretches way to East of the Mississippi River (why cause he is/was a truck driver and he could be anywhere at any point in time). Okay that is issue number two as to why she needs to leave him. She has now found out that this dude has another child!!! This little boy is 5 which makes him older that the little girl he had with his wife. SMH.....why the secrets.....so now lets tally up the lies..1. he lied about being married 2. he lied about paying child support 3. he lied about having anymore children 4. he has a warrant for his arrest and a PI on his behind. This has the making for a Saturday Night Lifetime movie only after being aired on Nancy Grace or some other courtroom drama show.

The truly sad part is that she is not going to leave him. She talks this game about giving him a timeline to resolve everything but dude has been married since 2006 and has no plans on handling the situation. He is comfortable where he is and as long as he keeps crying when talking to her she will buy it!! How long will she allow herself to be hurt before she realize that she is settling and doesn't have too.

Oh Yeah....I'M MARRIED!!!!

2009-06-07T04:07:00.004-04:00

No I didn't jump the broom, but I received some serious news the other day that involves marriage. Okay here it goes:

A very close friend of mine has been seeing this guy for almost a year now (sometime this summer will make a year). After about 2 months of dating she moved him in with her and her 3 children. Now during this time, or as I call it, the lovey dovey stage everything was smooth. He was working and helping take care of the kids as well as the house. He met her needs and she met his... Well around November he lost his job and for some reason they decided to move in together. Now being that he had no job, he didn't have the money to help with getting all of the needed this straight so they could move. So my friend decided to take a trip and visit an "old friend". This dude broke her off with the entire funds that she needed to move..........moving forward.........................

They are now living in this rented townhouse with her paying all of the bills and dude collecting about $190 in unemployment (he still aint got NO JOB)! So basically he is living rent free. Well out of the blue my friend gets a message on her FB account asking if she is dating dude. Now the name kind of threw her off because she recognized the first name but the last name belonged to her guy...following so far...Being the curious one she called and asked him what his "baby mama" name was. The first name matched but something still didn't add up....are your wheels spinning a little harder now lol....After a couple of back and forth conversations he finally comes out and tells her that he went to the JOP (Justice of the Peace).....so dude + baby mama + same last name = MARRIED!!! You got the equation right this joker is married.

Now knowing this info any woman in her right mind would put his behind out right...YES...well my friend is still living it up and playing house with him because he told her that "baby mama" is living up state and they are separated for lack of better words. UMMMM.....He lied and is probably still telling lies. She is settling because of some stories he's feeding her about not being able to find any records of him being married to ol' girl when he called such and such offices-----I DON'T BELIEVE THAT ONE!!! This would be the end all be all for me cause he hid a huge secret!!!

I'm gonna stop here:for one I'm at work and she works with me and two: they have some other ish that needs to get worked out, but this is the main event headline.

Waging War and Father Can You Hear Me?

2009-05-26T14:32:00.005-04:00

What I'm about to write is a culmination of almost 20+ years of anger, pain, and finally peace. Everything here is real and from the heart. I needed to do this so I could be at peace with myself. It feels good to release all of this tension and pain. I feel so good now......I've been "Waging War" with the devil and the first step in doing so is getting rid of everything he has put in my life to hold me down.

Father can you hear me? If so, then you will know that this will be the last time I ever refer to you as my father. There are somethings that need to said, but given your current situation we will never have that conversation. For that reason I am putting what I feel here.

For the past 25 years I have had nothing but terrible, horrible, awful feelings towards you. You were never there when I needed you. You were too caught up in your own selfishness to stop and think about those that depended on you. Lie after lie, night after night, and year after year I cried because I didn't understand why everyone else had a father and I didn't. It messes with a child's mind when he or she is too young to understand that the pain being dealt isn't their fault. All I ever wanted was my father and that very simple task you could never accomplish. You went through hell and high water to get your next fix but never did the same for me. You fed me empty promises and lifeless dreams of us having a relationship. For those very reasons you and I will never be two.

You took something very precious from me. My trust. I will never trust you. If you can steal money from my mother while she was struggling to take care of two children then there is no limit to what you will do. I know I should leave the past exactly where it is, but your past has shaped my present. To be honest I don't like you, I don't respect you, and I don't love you. You hurt me beyond no return. Its one thing to lie to me when I was a child, but now I know better and yet you still feel the need to lie. I've given you chance after chance to make things right but I can no longer do this. I'm all out of tears and chances. The game of life with me has ended for you. You walked out on me before I could even comprehend who and what you were as a person.

I'm not 9 anymore and these feelings can no longer be stored inside of me. They have been eating away at me for years now. Today is the end all be all. I'm 25 and need to move on from all foolishness that is leaching onto my life. Its a shame that a 50yr. old man is still playing the same games he played at 19. I've searched your history. Your ignorance, lies, and selfishness has been getting you in trouble since 1974. YEAH, I found that out. You told some elaborate lies in your lifetime...no credit given though. Since 1974 you have been in and out of prison. How does that feel...it makes you look stupid!!!! As I type this all I can do is laugh cause you're so lame....LAME!! I still don't understand how one man with only ONE child can be soooo selfish. I mean come on man its time you get it together.

The only good thing I will say about you is that God blessed you to meet my mother and bring me into this world. Anything besides that well you know....no need to elaborate. I will say this, no matter how messed you got, my mother never spoke bad about you to me or around me. Your actions spoke volumes and no words were needed. So now I'm done, finished, hands washed, and eyes dried. I'm moving forward with my life. All I can do is pray for my peace and for your soul. I may not want anything to do with you but my faith won't allow me to not hope that God does not save you. His grace and mercy you do need and for that reason only I hope you find Him and make things right between the two of you.

So 2 fingers to you as I turn my back and walk on!!! I'M OUT!!!!

*"Waging War" a wonderful and very inspirational song by CeCe Winans...keeps me motivated!!!

SIN, FORNICATION, AND BROKEN COMMANDMENTS...

2009-05-18T21:45:00.004-04:00

Sin, fornication, and broken commandments that is the road I've turned on. As you can see I've gotten lost on my journey and turned down this back alley.

When I first started this blog I wanted to take accurate note of adventures throughout my journey. As stated before I don't know where I'm going or where I will end up. However, in the midst of my journey I have fallen. I've fallen from grace and from the glory of God. Today I had the brightest revelation like no other. While in the middle of something that was occupying my time and afterwards I had the biggest feel of guilt and shame.

I know the things that I have been doing as of late are not in accordance to God's word. I have such guilt and shame for what I've done that I truly feel like I cannot and will not tell anyone. If I want to be in the beautiness of the Lord and if I want his glory to manifest within me then I need to make the needed steps in doing so. I don't want my living to be in vain. I also don't want what I do to affect those around me. By not being on one accord with those close to me in spirit and in truth I can hinder them and in turn they will not be blessed accordingly. That is the last thing I want to happen. I love those that are close to me and want nothing but the best for them.

I've heard his word over and over again, but today everything hits home hard. From today and until the end of my journey I will have a new outlook and a new means for my journey. I still have not set destination, but I know that once I get there I will know it.

Sin is real. The devil wanting to kill, steal, and destroy is real. So is the power of God and Jesus Christ. If you don't believe in HIM I'm not going to judge, knock, or force you. Right now I can't do anything but get myself together then do the work of the Lord. Until then........See you back on life's highway

Living The Single Life

2009-05-12T12:46:00.004-04:00

This weekend was a very busy one for me. I had family from out of state come and visit. We met up with each other in the "sticks" of NC. Now when I say "sticks" I mean "one main stop light and the name of the town in front of every business establishment you see"....My people my people they have not left there and will continue to live in that small town state of mind.....Needless to say I am tired from all the coming and going that was done between where I live and who we saw.....Now this post isn't about my family visit but more so about the news that was delivered to me right before my mom, my aunt, and my brother left to go to the country....

A close friend of the family (named) "Lady" had been seeing this guy (named) "Creeper". Lady and Creeper had been seeing each other for 2yrs. All was well between the two she had him around her daughter and even took him home to meet her family. Well, like the story goes all good things must come to an end eventually. Creeper who is a motor coach operator has been seeing another female (named) "Woman" for 3yrs. Now Lady found this out because her friend who works with Creeper and Woman was conversing with an outside female and found out that the two were in fact together. Lady's friend left a note in Woman's car then called Lady to let her know what the deal was. Now here is the messed up part here. Lady had been giving it to Creeper on the regular. He would come to her house after work and would stay until the wee hours of the night. This was due to Woman having a second job. Well, the day before Lady found out about his backward ways the two had sex....he's a nasty bastard!!!

This dude, when he got caught had the audacity to call Lady and her friend miserable B****es and then said that they would continue to be lonely. To make a long story short this dude did the ultimate to her. He stood by her in some of her toughest times and even told her he cared about her, but how much did he care if he had a woman already and they are ENGAGED and BUYING A HOUSE!!!!

Now I know all men are not like this but situations like this keep for ever thankful to be living the single life.

****I should post the bastard's real name Deon, but that would be wrong of me now would it??? I mean how do I look putting a dirty d**k mofo on blast like that???? And if he reads this oh well should've kept his behind at home were he belongs!!!!

Celtic Pride and Music

2009-05-01T00:17:00.003-04:00

I had an eventful night tonight. Ask anyone that I'm close to and they will tell you that I'm a die-hard Boston Celtics fan. Well if you follow basketball you know that the first round of the playoffs are going on. Tonight the Celtics lost to the Bulls in a triple overtime game 6. Now game 7 and the final game of this series will take place Saturday in Boston.....Now I have to put my nerves through another emotional 48 minutes...God my nerves are going to be shot!!!!

Now this post isn't solely about my Beantown boys but about my other favorite pass time...MUSIC.
Music is the one escape I have outside of praying and daydreaming. I have a huge passion for music. Of course I have my favorites but I can appreciate every style that is out. If I had to list my favorite artist it would be a very eclectic mix. For fun let me just see what that list would look like (not in any particular order):

Donny Hathaway
Patti LaBelle
Mary Mary
CeCe Winans
Gladys Knight
Phil Collins
Creed
Michael Jackson
Stevie Wonder
Enya
Boney James
Mary J. Blige
Luther Vandross
Aretha Franklin
Betty Wright
Sade
India Arie
Floetry
Goapole
Anthony Hamilton
Raheem Devaughn
David Bowie
Faith Hill
Leanne Rimes
Beethoven
Diedrick Haddon
Celine Dion
Linkin Park
Slick Rick
Doug E. Fresh
Big Daddy Kane
A Tribe Called Quest
Common
Biz Markie
KRS-ONE
LL Cool J ('95 and back)
Eric B. and Rakim
Run DMC
Beastie Boys
Afrikaa Bambatta
Kirk Franklin
Bishop Paul S. Morton
Hezakiah Walker
Fred Hammond
John P. Kee
Yolanda Adams
Martha Munizzi
Vicki Yohe
Donny McClurkin
Audio Two
Nas

okay its getting late and I think my list is long enough...forgive the spelling its 1:50am and I have to be up at 6am....so I'm going to bed now.

Issue One Revisited

2009-04-25T21:24:00.003-04:00

I was gonna do a post that I had seen on one of my friends facebook page about 100 truths, but after reading his I decided that it was just tooooo long!!!

I don't really have much to say. I guess I still have some things on my mind that will be settled in due time. I know I'm on the verge of telling my mother that I'm ready to leave and be on my own. I haven't had the chance to be on my own and experience "my adulthood." Like I stated before I don't want to see my mother struggling once I leave but I know I will need a more stable job in order move out on my own. I gotta make some moves because I'm starting to get agitated with myself and my mother. My moods have been shifty as of late. It just makes me mad at times. I love my mother and its nothing against her but I'm way past ready to be out on my own. I don't want to be thirty and still at home. I feel like I haven't accomplished much since I graduated college.

I've been looking at apartments that would fit into my budget right now, but I wouldn't want to go anywhere with out first consulting God and my mother. I haven't gotten confirmation from the Lord, unless I've missed his voice and calling-----LORD I HOPE NOT!!!! In due time I will have all the answers.

OKAY!!

2009-04-17T15:53:00.006-04:00

OKAY....that is all I can say today. This word goes for my attitude, my mood, my train of thought...EVERYTHING!!! I mean there are still situations (big and small) that have not completely went away, but in the midst I'm still doing okay. There are still somethings from the past that are still on my mind, but they will work themselves out with the help of prayer of course.

This weekend I plan on taking my mind off of some of my current situations by going out with a group of people. I say people and not friends because I only know 3 of the females and I consider them "cool" and my "home-girl", but like the title says they're OKAY...!! We are suppose to be going to a party of some sorts. I'm not a big fan of clubs and the party scene but it has been a while since I really went out and I'm looking forward to going. I know the night is going to be interesting, how interesting well, I will see when everything goes down. Its the weekend, negros just got paid, and wanna show off what they don't have!

Speaking of those that don't have. Why is that people who have no pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of are some of the most pickiest people?.......I know 2 people like that one of them just so happen to be married to my brother.....to be continued cause this chick needs her own post!!!!

This N***a Here

2009-04-08T12:29:00.003-04:00

I don't like using the "N" word but given the current situation it seems to be the only word that fits. Okay, My god-daughter's mother is now pregnant for the fifth time with this making her third child. She had one miscarriage from her kids father and another one with the guy she is with currently. Don't get me wrong children are a blessing but when you become careless in your methods of birth control or the lack there of you need the s**t shook out of you.

This girl has a bad habit of dealing with worthless BOYS....Her kids father would beat her whenever he felt like it. Take for instance when she was 7 months pregnant with my god-daughter he beat and he went to jail for it. After I'll say a year she let him move back in with her and one day while in the kitchen he hauled off and punched her in the ear. Okay, she left him alone and about a few months later she took him some place and in the middle of traffic he tells her it "smells like another n***a in here" and commence to beating her the front seat of her car. Now "WOW" and "WHY" was all I could say about that situation. Well she finally left him alone and went to another "no gooda".

The guy she is with now is her Manager's son (she works at Taco Bell) and he DOESN'T work and already has a child. Let me back up a sec. She met him while at work because he was dating another female that worked with her. They started messing around, he broke up with the girl, and now my friend is pregnant. Now in the midst of this so-called relationship he has left her for no reason, left her kids at daycare and didn't call while driving her car, and who knows what else. Now the kicker comes here: She told him she was pregnant and this n***a here gone tell her to get an abortion cause he "don't want anymore kids now"!!! All I could do was laugh at her because she is the one playing herself stupid. I told she needs to drop him and go her own way for her kids sake.

I love my friend dearly but when she told me this mess of a situation I had to lay it on the line and tell her what was real and what reality is gonna be like for her. She tried to cut the conversation short so next time we speak she is gonna hear what I have to say if she listens to me well, that is another story for another day.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE:

She just texted me after her doctor's appointment. The doctor told her she is pregnant in her tube so she will not be carrying this baby. Well, in a way that is good cause she is already clueless with two kids and a third with a worthless man would have made things worse in my opinion!

No Money Mo' Problems

2009-04-04T02:34:00.005-04:00

Still no computer of my own. Hopefully by this weekend I will have the software I need in order to get rid of the virus on my computer.

People say the more money you have the more problems that come. That is true but right now I am going through "no money and mo' problems." Am I tapped out-NO but my tank isn't running on full either. I get paid on Friday and stretching my dollar on Monday. Am I complaining-NO cause I could easily be like the other million people that are living without a job right now.

Okay enough with boring you and me with my financial issues. It seems like once you get rid of one problem another comes hightailing it in the door. Now I rarely let people take me to a point where I just want to lose my cool. For one I could be using that energy on something else and two if I lose my cool I know I will be visiting the Gray Bar Hotel with a 23 hour lock down restriction....!!!! Now this one lady at my job has been trying to slowly test me. This lady only has about 2 more good times of testing me before I really let her old behind have it. She along with some of the other people at my job have become one big thorn in my posterior. They think they know everything when they can't see what's in their face for looking too hard! I am going through enough personal mess to put up with unnecessary foolishness at work.

Then there is still the lingering foolishness of a mess that is going on in my life. My tension headaches have ceased but the problems are still there. I am restructuring my relationship with Christ so in that process I have learned to give all problems to him. It seems as if I can't work on my mess cause people are coming at me with their issues. I don't mind listening and giving advice cause that is what I do best as a friend but some days I need to be the one to vent out my issues (hence this blog). At times it seems as if I am the third party in everyone elses relationship. When the waters are rough they call me, when they decide to not settle they call me, and when they feel like everything has gone wrong or will go wrong they call me all while crying. Then there is this one friend, he calls me when every female he has come in contact with does him wrong. Now he's calling me and when we talk he tries to hint around and keep tabs on what I have been doing and who I'm doing it with....FOOLISHNESS!!!

These problems may not seem major but they are my problems and they have been on going for far too long. Foolishness around, living on a limit man "No Money and Mo' Problems"......

IT HIT THE FAN...AND NOW ITS BROKEN!!!

2009-03-26T20:37:00.004-04:00

Well people as the saying goes the S.ugar H.oney I.ce T.ea has hit the fan!! Some how my computer got a VIRUS and now I am forced to use my mother's computer. Just great!!!! Now I'm gonna have to sneak and update while at work and try to keep my blog a secret from my mother....I don't want anyone personal to me to know about this blog.....I may saying something about someone and I don't want anyone to get offended.

25 Things

2009-03-25T23:32:00.007-04:00

I've seen this for a while now and never felt like doing it until now...so I'm off.

25 Things about me:

1. I am from Raleigh, NC.

2. I am the youngest of two children: I have an older brother by seven years.

3. I have yet to have any type of relationship with my father.

4. My father is the only one in his family that I don't have a relationship with.

5. My brother has always been my father figure.

6. Clearly I have issues with my father...lol

7. I am the first out my family to go to college and graduate.

8. I am the eternal optimist....I will see the bright side to any situation.

9. I did not love they guy that took my "v-card".....I didn't really like him and we are now friends...plus he doesn't know he was my first...its a long story.

10. It wasn't until recently that I started to accept the way I look.

11. Procrastination is my biggest weakness.

12. I relate better to guys most of the time.

13. At times I feel like I'm not ready to have a serious relationship.

14. At times I know I'm ready to have a serious relationship.

15. I love old movies.

16. The 70s made some of the best music ever.....THANKS MOMMY!!!

17. I know all the words to Donny Hathaway's "A Song For You" but can barely remember a line from anything out now.

18. I am a true friend until you piss me off.

19. My favorite movie is "A Bronx Tale."

20. I have been to Ecuador twice, this year will be my third, and I want to adopt an Ecuadorian child someday.

21. Being a blessing to others is my ultimate desire behind serving God.

22. I do more thinking and cleaning right before I go to bed.

23. Shopping for shoes, clothes, handbags, or anything is an addiction for me....I need to find a Shoppers Anonymous meeting ASAP!!!

24. My brother and I have never had an argument.

25. My mother and I have a wonderful relationship.

IS IT POSSIBLE........

2009-03-25T22:58:00.013-04:00

It is getting late, but I need to put somethings down. I have waiting or should I say procrastinating about typing out this post. Like I said in my previous post I am going through some issues right now and this clearly reflects some of my issues. Feel free to leave your opinions.

Is It Possible..................................................

for me to be "me" while living in a world of chaos?

to love someone that does not know you exist?

to not have to live up to society's standards of beauty and still catch the eye of someone?

for bigger to not be better?

to hate to love someone or love to hate someone?

to see your life be portrayed in a book that is completely fictional?

to be permanently stuck in a rut or funk?

to need love but never have it?

for the world to change so that we can truly have peace?

for me to meet the man God has for me without compromising who I am?

for someone to find out the true meaning of love?

to express love without actually saying "I love you"?

for me to love the skin I'm in?

to separate myself from all of the wrong around me?

for me to quit talking about love in this post....possibly?

to not live vicariously through others?

for me to reach the destiny that God planned for me?

for me to try more self love and acceptance?

for one to find his or her "Mr. or Mrs. Right"?

to still be jealous of the one your "first" is with?

to laugh now, cry later, and live last?

to be honest and tell the one he is "the one for me"?

to be in love with someone that doesn't know and not seem like a psycho ...lol...?

for who ever reads this to believe that i can cleanse my heart from the past?

for me to really be a virtuous woman (Proverbs 31:30)?

I know this was rather lengthy, but I needed to get these question out of my head. I may not have answers to any of these questions in the immediate future. Everything takes time and patience. I have an immense amount of patience I just.....just need to re-evaluate some areas I guess.

Endless Possibilities......

2009-03-19T14:21:00.003-04:00

Right now I'm going through some things right now. I don't know what exactly to do at this point. I've been going through some rough emotions internally. I'm on some new stuff with the way I'm feeling. My mind has been just voided of everything. For the past few days I've had some serious tension headaches going in on. All I can do right now is pray, trust in God, seek His glory, and give glory in the midst of my situation. So at this point the title says it all there are "endless possibilities" surrounding my current issues. Until later......I will be in better spirits I know I will.

The List.....

2009-03-11T11:47:00.007-04:00

One day I while at home I created this list of what I would like for my ideal man to possess. Now I know that everyone is not perfect and finding everything in one person may not be possible. I am open to compromising one thing for the other. After all I may not possess everything that a man is looking for in a woman. Now that I look at this list I find it very interesting. Please feel free to leave your opinions and pass it along to any men that you may know. I would really like to know what they may have to say about this list.

The List:

God: Has to be first. Being a Christian is very important to me. Like I stated before I am not perfect and I am not looking for perfection but there has to be some connection between him and the Master.

Family: I am very close to my family. No matter what I know that my family has my back. The man that comes into my life must love family and all that it represents.

Work: Cannot be allergic to it. Simple as that if I'm working then you are too!!

Love: Can't be afraid of it. It will come eventually just be prepared for the effects from it. Must also know how to express it verbally or physically.

Respect: If you give it to me I will return it to you. This has to be earned and cannot be broken. Must know how to give and how to demand it.

Swagger: One has to posses it without being conceited. Includes everything from his walk, his talk, his scent, and his outward appearance. All in all a well kept man.

Academics: A must have. There has to be more than hip-hop, sports, and cars.

Physical looks: As long as I can look at him and smile I am happy.

Body type: I'm open; the body is only the container of the goodness that God has given to me.

Personality: NO lameness or sarcasm. Outgoing, reserved, and reachable will be wonderful.

Commitment: Has to be in sight. This is one of the greatest elements of being in love.

Security: Can that be given without him compromising who he is. Meaning can he be strong for the both of us if need be.

Vision: What is his reason for living? Is it to serve God or man? Does he have a life plan and is he willing to have that be altered if he encounters set-backs?

Culture: Has to be open-minded about other life aspects and be more accepting. There is more than hood politics to life.

Class: For a man, better stated as being distinguished. Has to know how to dress to impress, know a salad fork from a regular fork, and know that chivalry is not dead.

Softness: Better stated as male sensitivity. Not afraid to show it in front of you or his boys. Not afraid to express it at any given point in time.

Versatility: Be able to switch from "da hood" to the boardroom and back with ease. Know classical music like he knows hip-hop music or some other form of music other than Lil Wayne.

Desire: There has to be a want or need for something important in life. There has to be a driven mentality in the brain. What keeps him motivated?

Patience: Nothing will come easy or when you want it. Life moves at a pace in which we have been programed to follow. There is one thing I cannot stand and that is an impatient person. That is a major turn off.

I know that the person for me may not meet every quality that I'm looking for. There will be some compromising on my part as well as his. There isn't nor will there ever be "perfect person." There are some standards that I will not lower or compromise on. However, I will not let anyone or anything keep me from being headstrong about what I'm looking for.

Bound

2009-03-10T11:30:00.000-04:00

That is exactly how I feel right about now. My current living conditions consist of me staying with my mother. Don't get me wrong, we have a wonderful relationship and get along almost like sister, but I don't feel as if I am really growing as an adult because I do stay with my mother. I truly believe that this is one of the reasons for me starting my journey. I want to get away and spread my wings, but I know that if I do move out, I wouldn't be able to afford it right now and my mother could potentially lose our condo due to financial issues. We both make enough money combined to cover all of the bill, but separately it would be impossible right about now.

I talk with my friends and all but one have their own place. When I start to think about moving out I sometimes feel like I am wrong because I know that my mother would not be able to cover everything by herself. I know struggling is part of the process, but it hurts to struggle and it hurt to see my mother having to struggle. I really want to be out on my own, but there are so many factors that are keeping me were I am right now.

I feel like staying at home has in some way taken away my confidence. I'm already not comfortable with the way that I look most of the time. So that in itself has taken a shot at my confidence. Then it seems as if I am never going to have a "love life" and I most definitely will not be having one while staying with my mother (unless God states something else). I want to be in a relationship.....wait wait wait that is another post in itself....comment paused. Will resume at a later date and time.

I know God has a plan for my life and being bound is just a small stepping stone on path to spiritual redemption. I know that everything I go through has already been ordained by him and there is nothing I can do to change what has been planned for my life. However, I don't have to sit back and let my life pass me by. There will be accomplishments made, big and small. I just have to trust in God more than I trust myself because everything that he has for me is for me. However, I won't get those blessings unless I serve him and rebuild my self so that he can realign my life .

Like I said before I love my mother and staying home does have it positives, but as I am getting older I need a certain level of privacy and responsibility that comes along with living by yourself. I don't want to feel like I am leaving my mom out to dry, but some days I just want to pack up and move......I am I being a bad child??? My mother has asked me many times if I feel trapped or if I am happy, but I feel like if I say yes then it will hurt her. I mean my mother is not the nosey type nor is she in my business 24/7, but.......I guess its just me getting older and walking into my womanhood? Could be could be not...only God knows and only he will tell me the true answer.

PIT-STOP and SCATTERGORIES

2009-03-06T11:47:00.000-05:00

I made a pit-stop while on my continuous journey of life and decided to exercise my brain with a little fun today. You can do this if you want. I just did it to kill time while at work. It kind of makes you think for answers that are not so obvious.

RULES:

ERASE MY ANSWERS AND ENTER YOURS. USE THE 1ST LETTER OF YOUR NAME TO ANSWER EACH OF THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS. THEY HAVE TO BE REAL PLACES, NAMES,THINGS.NOTHING MADE UP! TRY TO USE DIFFERENT ANSWERS IF THE PERSON IN FRONT OF YOU HAD THE SAME 1ST INITIAL. YOU CAN'T USE YOUR NAME FOR THE BOY/GIRL NAME QUESTION. Have Fun!!

1. What is your name: "N" (not gonna get myself caught up by putting out my government...nope not gonna happen..maybe one day I will put it up here.)

2. A 4 Letter Word: Nice

3. A Boys Name: Nathan

4. A Girl's Name: Nicole

5. An Occupation: Nurse

6. A Color: Not Really a Waitress ( OPI nail polish color)

7. Something you wear: Necktie

8. A beverage: Nectarine Juice

9. A Movie: Natural Born Killers

10. Something found in the bathroom: Nair

11. A place: Norway

12. A Reason for being not going to work on time: Nose bleeds

13. Something you shout out: NO!!!

The Young and the Helpless........Man I'm Tired!!

2009-03-04T23:02:00.000-05:00

Okay people, when I started my journey I knew that I would not be alone. However, I did not know that I would have someone else's emotional baggage traveling with me. This baggage comes in the form of my best friend and the issue of love. She has been dating and playing house with this guy for almost a year. Now the issue that lies underneath is that he was in love with another female prior to my best friend and during the course of that relationship she hurt him. According to my friend this past female has now soured him on all women and how to love them.

Now I said all of that to say this: She calls me about twice a week with the same issues of surrounding their relationship. I feel like there are four people that are actively involve with two of them not really having a choice but to be put in the middle. That being me and the female from the past. This female has played a vital part in many arguments one being when my best friend's boyfriend started contacting his ex again without her knowing about it. Now my friend found out b/c she went snooping in his phone. I don't condone that, but what's done is done and now they are at a serious point of almost no return. He is now spending his time and money for the bill on strip clubs and lap dances. Oh and he doesn't like giving my friend money if and when she needs it. My friend now spends her time crying and going through the motions of the same merry-go-round cycle. Now every time these problems come up guess who gets a phone call at all times of the night.......that's right ME........!

I will be the first to admit that I have ignored her phone calls because I find myself repeating the advice that I've given in the past only to have her not take heed to it. If that makes me a bad friend then I'm sorry, but sometimes I just don't want to hear it. She gets so wrapped up in "loving" someone that she loses herself in the process and then breaks down to almost nothing. Man it makes me tired some days just thinking about it. I try to encourage her but she gets so stubborn that nothing will penetrate and I will not waste my time on no one friend or not.

Wanna know something funny....I completely forgot what angle I was going for when I started this post. See that's because my friend has been going through the motions all night and letting me know every little detail via text messaging. Man I'm tired.......what is a girl to do (that goes for me and my best friend).

Inspiration

2009-03-04T15:55:00.001-05:00

Through out the course of this long journey I have been able to see inspiration in the smallest of things and in the most unexpected things.

Music
I have a serious love for music and that has undoubtedly inspired the better part of my life. "A Song For You" by Donny Hathaway-one of my favorite songs of all time. I think I've listened to that song so much that I'm able to feel the love and pain that is behind it. Then there is "Imagine Me" by Kirk Franklin and "Get Up" by Mary Mary. Both of these songs have given me the initiative to one: renew my relationship with Christ and two: taught me to love myself and work on making me a better me.

Literature
I love reading the works of Nikki Giovanni, Langston Hughes, Angela Davis, Kimberly Crenshaw, Assata Shakur, Paul Lawrence Dunbar...I could go on forever. I lover everything from their political nature to their philosophical tones to their passion for life. I've even found inspiration from bloggers like Kelie "The K-spot", E "eclectik-relaxation", and Sharon "The True Urban Queen" just to name a few. Their play on words is amazing, their truthfulness wonderful, and their intelligence speaks through every word.

Politics
Barbara Jordan, Angela Davis, Stokely Carmichael, Huey Newton, Bobby Seal, Assata Shakur, Marcus Garvey, Cesar Chavez, W.E.B. Dubois and many more. These individuals embody the notion of hard work, self reliance, notion of change, the uplifting of their people.

Personal
Of course my mother, brother, grandmother, great grandmother, my two year summer internship mentor, my first supervising manager at my current job, my pastors, my uncle, the entire Political Science department at my alma mater, my fellow missionaries to Ecuador, and all of the men, women, and children living in Guayaquil, Ecuador. Everyone of the people listed has a special place in my heart. I've seen their struggle, I've gained knowledge from their teachings, I've learned to better myself, I've learned to love unconditionally, and I've learned that no matter what be thankful for what God has given me.

The Ultimate
My ultimate inspiration: GOD all the way. I put no one before him not even my family. He gave me the gift of life and continues to keep here in spite of my mess. So that I may have life He gave his only son to the world and for that I feel that my ultimate show of gratitude is to give my life back to him in return. That is why I decided at the age of 17 was to get saved. Now the road hasn't been easy. Yes, I've fallen many many times, but I'm only human. I know that through my faith the mistakes I made before have been forgiven as well as corrected and I will never make them again. I live my by Psalms 121:

1 I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help

2 My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth.

3 He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.

4 Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand.

6 The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.

8 The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.

Being Black in America

2009-02-24T20:00:00.001-05:00

Darky, pickaninny, jigaboo, Negro, nigger, colored, black, Afro-American, and African American all monikers used to describe blacks in America. However, they do not define what it means to be black in America. Being black in America is more than race, color, a name, physical appearance, or classification. It is a gift from God that should be held with great pride and honor. God saw first to create us in his own image then he took the time out to create a group of strong willed people. He knew that we would be tried, tested, and would eventually overcome.

Being black in today’s America means walking the paths of all of the elders that came before us. We stand on the shoulders of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Malcolm X, Medgar Evers, George Washington Carver, and Frederick Douglas; just to name a few. Their teachings and actions have paved the way for today’s generation. If we’re going to make it as a community we have to unite the younger generation with the older generation. We can no longer live out the “Willie Lynch letter.” There is no more time for “I don’t like because you’re light skin and I’m dark skin.” There is no more time for disrespecting your elders and there is absolutely no more time for living out the “crab in a barrel syndrome.” Meaning when you see one of your brothers and sisters trying to make it out don’t pull them back because you’re miserable and misery loves company. Instead, push them because you never know he or she may turn around and grab by the hand.

We cannot change the perception of the black community individually, but by becoming one sound, one mind, and one voice we can change the perception together. We have to kill the notion of procrastination and selfishness. Now is the time to reach that lost brother and sister standing out on the block. They are the key to the future. We have to educate them about the love of God, first, then love them the way God loves us, unconditionally. By doing that they will see that black love is real and beautiful.

Being black in America doesn’t mean walking with your head hung low and your pants even lower. It means walking tall, walking strong, and walking united. Being black today doesn’t mean trying to get your swag back or your ride pimped. It means living above and beyond the stereotypes that have been put before you. Don’t let the March on Washington, the bombing of the four little girls in Montgomery, Alabama, and the passing of the Civil Rights Act die in vain. We have to take what has been given to us and apply it so that we can become the majority and longer be the minority.

I once heard someone say “there are no more black leaders.” Well we all know that is not true. The days of Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are for those old school players. It’s the dawn of a new day and we need fresh and new players to take the field. Yes, there is President Obama, but he is only one man. So where are our leaders? Look to your left then look to your right. You have just seen our future black leaders. Now if we are going to make it we have to step back and support our black leaders. This can be done by sitting aside childish ways, becoming educated individuals, and loving one another as God loves us.

When it comes to the quote un quote African American community, I feel a sense of love, pride, honor, and disappointment. I love my people, I take pride in the gifts that God has given us, I honor the many accomplishments, but I also feel disappointment. We have come so far and achieved so much yet it seems as if we cannot come together unless tragedy is on the other end. Being black in America is not about living our Satan’s plan to kill, steal, and destroy. Instead we have to come together as one so that our present will not relive our past. We must realize that the past is behind us, our present is ever changing, and our future is staring us right in the face.

If we want to take on the responsibility of being black in America, then we need to get ready because any and everything will be pushed our way. Nevertheless, God has ordained us to be strong as well as proud and for that I am forever grateful to be BLACK IN AMERICA!!!

Copyright © 2009 by Miss_Me All rights reserved worldwide. No part of this may be used or reproduced in without the author's consent.

What More Can I Say......?

2009-02-15T00:25:00.000-05:00

First, Happy Valentine's Day to all.

Okay, since I don't have that special someone in my life at this current moment. I decided to spend V-Day with my mother and one of our good friends. We did all of the girlie things like going to the beauty supply store, shopping, getting hair done, and then getting something to eat. The day was pretty decent besides a couple of phone calls; one from a friend who really needs to drop her man because they are arguing every single day and one from my friend who at the last minute asked my to babysit. Uhhh nooo, I refuse because 1. she asked at the last minute and 2. I just don't want to cut my day short to watch someone else's child (even if said child is my god-daughter, emphasis on god). The interesting part of my day comes right around when it is time to eat.

First we get to the restaurant and we wait about 15-20 minutes, that was to be expected. When we sat down a party of twelve ended up being seated right behind us. Now we're seated in a booth with two empty ones behind us. The people that were in this gigantic party had the nerve to sit their children by themselves in one booth knowing they are mannish and down right BAD!! So we ended up moving to the booth that was empty right in front of our booth-much better. As we're eating some how some way the discussion went to sex........................WHY WHY WHY!!! The last thing I wanted to do was hear my mom and our friend (same age range as my mother speak about their past sex lives). Well needless to say after that discussion I've come to realize that saved women are completely hilarious.

Our friend discussed how she hurt one guy's feelings because he was not packing. Her words were "That's it! You can't be serious!" Talk about killing egos. And my mother. Lord! She goes on to tell how one guy in her past had the smallest "digit" and she asked him if it was in or not? They finished the conversation by saying if he not doing it right there will be some problems in the relationship which I do feel is true. The last thing that was said is one that I will never forget. 1. If he bouncin' on you and you can't feel it, then you need to bounce him right off of you and 2. If he doesn't have these three then he needs to step:a. length, b. strength, and c. endurance. Now what more can be said after hearing two saved women of the holy spirit talk like that????? For me not one thing!!!!

Has Anyone Seen Chris Hansen?

2009-02-13T11:57:00.000-05:00

If any of you know his were abouts please tell him to *"beep me 911 or call me on my cell phone!"

No, seriously have you ever came in contact with a person and automatically you get the feeling that he or she would be a good candidate for MSNBC's"To Catch a Preditor" program on Dateline. Well, if you live in my world and walk in my shoes then you have. In my "Me" post I stated I have some of the most interesting situations happen to me. And that for sure is not an understatement.

Encounter 1
About a month ago while riding the bus home from work I ended up catching the eye of some "ashy hand" cornball. When I got off the bus he did too and just my luck he lived in my complex. Now I'm not one to talk to strangers so as we're walking he's talking and I'm doing a whole lot of ignoring. Needless to say he still felt interested. Long story short I ran into two more times with the last time ending in near hospitalization for him. I saw him on the bus and did my best to ignore him even going so far as to getting off at an earlier stop, but he just had to follow me. Now this was just not my day. The bottom fell out of the sky and rain and wind came like no other all the while this dude is following me and trying to talk. I'm wet, cold, and pissed off at this point. I make it to my building and this dude had the nerve to ask me if he could chill at my place till the rain stop....."Everyone of my teeth shouted HELL NO!!" He then proceeds to say "I'm feeling you...so how you feel 'bout me?" Now I don't know what vibe he got from me cause the only thing I felt was myself reaching for my screwdriver that I keep in my bag. Here is the kicker before I could say anything this "dirt darber" KISSED ME!!! Oh all hell broke loose on my door step and that piss ant almost got stabbed.

Encounter 2
This one right here comes in the form a "I'm white and down with a sista" mail man. He would be at the mailbox whenever I got home. He would speak and say little comments here and there but nothing out of the way. Well one day he must have grown some steel balls because he began to flirt with me. Now, I'm not opposed to tasting the flavors of the rainbow, but I don't do old white men. Every time I'd see him he would give a wink and smile, but I'm not feeling that. Well yesterday, I don't know if it was the feeling of Valentine's Day in the air or what but he straight came out his mouth talking 'bout some I just love seeing your smile and I would ask to see more of you!!" Now as for what he meant by "see more of you" I don't wanna know. I gave one hell of a look and bolted to my building.

*Damn why can't I get a good looking man to pay me some attention. Instead, of these perverted looking, ashy hand having, old nasty thought having men? WHY WHY WHY!!!

*The first person that can tell me what song that line comes from will get 3 cherry flavored blow pops, 4 mini stickers, and two grape hug juices from me*

What would you do?

2009-02-08T20:44:00.000-05:00

Scenario:

Girls meets boy. Boy and girl hang out and fall for one another. Girl finds out that boy was doing some shady and underhanded things. Girl decides to stick it through with boy. They go out one last time and boy acts a damn fool. Girl dismisses boy from her life. Boy gets his act together and decides calls girl. Now should girl take boy on his good intentions or should she let sleeping dogs stay where they are? Now what would you do?

Scenario2:

Same boy from scenario above calls girl and asked her to go to Las Vegas with him for a week in June. Now girl knows that boy has feelings for her that are more than friendship. She wants to go but know that the opportunity of sex or something sexual may present itself. However, the only thing is that girl has decided to stay celebate until she gets married. Now should girl go and try to obstain while out in Vegas or should she just say forget it and stay home? What would you do?

And The Award Goes To:

2009-02-08T00:18:00.000-05:00

Sharon "The True Urban Queen" thought I had a fabulous blog and decided to put on the list of her five or more people. I feel honored because I am new to the blogging world. Well here are my five in no particular order.

Here are the rules:

1. You need to list 5 Addictions that you have.
2. You have to pass this Tag to five (5) or more people with fabulous Blogs.

MY FIVE ADDICTIONS (the clean version):

1. The First 48: I have been addicted to this show every since season one back in 2004. I don't know what it is about the show? I guess its me wanting to be working in the legal field. I plan on going to law school and I just love trying to read the body language of those who are lying.

2. Shoes: Especially heels. I cannot have enough high heels. Every time I promise myself that I'm going to buy flats for work I end up buying high heels instead. I believe its a borderline fetish.

3. Handbags: This is almost as bad as my love for shoes. Doesn't matter the color as long as the style is unique. I bought a really cute caramel colored handbag from Ecuador last year and I just love telling everyone that when they ask because I know no one will find one like it here in the states.

4. Mid Century Modern Decor: Most of the pieces from that era are unique and really rare. I love the simplicity of the furniture.

5. Music: My taste is all over. It is my calming mechanism. I can grab my Zune player and get lost in the music. I can go from Mary Mary, Phil Collins, Boney James, Mary J. Blige, Common, Raheem Devaughn, and Beethoven all in one session.

I know the rules said tag 5, since I'm a newbie around these parts I tagged 3.
Paying it forward to:

Quick's Catch Up
the k-spot
Sha-boogie

Who Is He??

2009-02-05T14:12:00.000-05:00

Black banana cream
his thoughts deeper than Dr. King's dream

His mind spans the hands of time
not loving him would be a crime

A confident swagger that consumes the room
Speak-do I dare, maybe..okay I should...

And I did, but...I can't
vocalize what I realized he had my body paralyzed as he spoke to me

That voice deeper than the rumbling of thunder
my body shook

my heart skipped
my mind accelerated

Exasperated by his voice I couldn't speak
only a meek tone came from me

I began to stare
his eyes-browner than chocolate

with an Omar Epps resemblance
I cracked a smile, so did he

but before we could speak
beep...beep....beep...beep-time to get up!!!

17 Days and Counting!!!!

2009-02-05T12:35:00.000-05:00

17 days until my church has its annual Black History Program. And yours truly has been asked to speak. The theme and topic for the night is "Being Black in America." Now I am working on what I am going to say and once everything is done with I will post it later. Because I love knowing what others are thinking; why don't you all leave me some of your thoughts on the topic "Being Black in America."

By the Power Vested in Me: I Now Name You:

2009-02-04T11:54:00.000-05:00

My place of employment.....well let me first say that in spite of my current standings here I do thank God for having this job because I could be among the masses that are unemployed. So I do give praises for that. However, you know like any other job there are issues, people, and office drama to deal with. For you to get a better feel as to where I'm coming from I'm gonna give you a rundown of the elements at work:

White Shadow Crew

*Wifey: I know you've heard of the casting couch well around here it was "the office" ask anyone and they'll say her position came from a male jump off that made her "wifey" status permanent.

*Hollywood aka Rick Flair: imagine that! Older man around mid 50s thinks he looks younger with his sweater vest, button down, two gold chains, hair slicked back, and oh one button open at the top to show his white/gray chest hair.

*Mr. Oblong: that is just how he looks from the back...too unique and unflattering. Has an awkward smell, but all in all a cool yet smelly guy.

*The Unthinkable: I never thought it would be possible for someone to sound like a human vocorder!! Oh he can be so so so.....let me say it is best for him to work silently.

*Big Bertha: Funky attitude that will never come at me the wrong way. Looks like an overdose steroid induced Elly Mae Clampet...and that is all I'm gonna say about her.

now the issue with this group is that they will appear busy and will make frequent walking trips only to see who or what work is not being done and will then report back to "wifey" who will then document her their findings.

Television Crew

*The Great Gazoo: If you can remember that green little martian and his big head picture that on a short 50+ year old woman with the same annoying voice.

*Aunt Bee: Pronounced "Ant" Bee. The ever patient and caring motherly type. However, this lady comes with an exception she uses the bathroom in 20 minute intervals, but she is very sweet.

*Squidward: Just picture him human, white, and still uptight!!

*Little Bill: Now this dude is cooler than a fan, but picture Little Bill at age 27. Big head, little body, and a Napoleon complex to match.

*Baloo: He also goes by the name jungle booty. Just look at Baloo when he walks away and you will understand the name.

*Dennis the Menace: I call him the coolest white dude ever, but he showed me some pictures from his childhood and all I could think was Dennis the Menace.

*Patrick: Spongebob's lovable sidekick. However, this guy is not as dumb but just as lame. With all of that said he still manage to garner a jump off in the building.

*Miss Jay: Unlike Tyra's Miss Jay this one is really a woman, but if she had a twin he would be it!!

*Lucy: Charlie Brown's nemesis and the proverbial complainer. This lady can work a nerve with her whining.

*Foghorn Leghorn: Big and loud that is all I will say.

*Carlton Banks: This is the new and improved C Banks. NO sweater vest or Tom Jones, but the corny factor is still there.

as you can see I watch entirely to much television.

Food For Thought

*Greek Salad: She's nice, but always feels the need to diet and oh yeah she's Greek.

*Spoiled Milk: The old heads in my family would say sour or clabbered milk. To me it doesn't matter cause however you say it that mess still stinks and so does he.

*Laffy Taffy: No matter when you see this guy he is wearing a smile and always laughing.

Okay they don't make you hungry, but the names describe them best!!

Me

2009-02-04T08:14:00.000-05:00

What can be said about "ME"?

My faith in God is always first in my life.

I can be the coolest friend you will ever have that is until you do me wrong.

I will never intentionally hurt someone; pain is the last thing anyone wants to feel.

At times I can be a bit complex.

In new surroundings I find myself staying quiet until I warm up to people; hence I'm not quite the people person at first sight.

I cannot stand drama.

I cannot stand GHETTO MESS.

At the current moment I am not where I want to be in life.

I am accident prone...so don't stand to close to me!!

I always seem to have the craziest situations happen to me.

I am very compassionate to others.

I feel there is nothing better than a well educated man.

I feel there is nothing better than a good looking dark skin man....I don't discriminate, but they do something to me and my insides...woo!!!

I plan on traveling the world....Ancient Rome, Greece, Milan, Fiji, Brazil, South Africa...you get the picture.

I love being me and will do nothing out of the ordinary to not be me.

I don't have time for the foolishness...men, friends, family, situations, or anything else that may classify.

I may not speak on everything I see, but rest assure I do observe and take mental notes.

Don't take me being nice and quiet for a weakness....I do have a mouthpiece and will use it with not problem.

Advice

2009-02-03T21:45:00.000-05:00

I'm new to the blog world. I have followed....let me change that. I am following many blogs at the moment. I love the different aspects of all of them. I have just now gotten the courage to start my own. I welcome advice from everyone. If you like my blog, see room for improvement, or if have constructive criticism please let me know.

Miss_me

Eye Wonder

2009-02-03T21:33:00.000-05:00

Look at this precious face. You would never know that she has to live in some of the harshest living condtions I've ever seen. On my second trip to Gauyaquil, Ecuador as a missionary I the chance to take this picture. I saved the picture in black and white mode so you could see the true power behind those eyes. I only saw what it was like for her for a day so I can only imagine what she sees on a daily basis. Its now a year later and I can only wonder if I will see this baby again. When I look in her eyes I see a story of pain, struggle, and future triumphs. I know she will be tested, but I have faith in God that she will be a virtuous woman one day.

Journey 2 The Past

2009-02-03T20:06:00.000-05:00

I've been down this road many times over. Some days I find myself traveling this road while at work or when trying to go to sleep. I find myself walking on a never ending road that leads to nowhere. Nowhere meaning I have some unresolved issues that have plagued me for some time now.

My walk starts in my teenage years. Those years where not fun for me at all. There were many internal demons that followed me as well as the physical demons that went to school with me. Instead of dealing with my issues I learned to internalize them. I masked my loneliness with fake smiles and masked my insecurities with toughness. All the while I felt as if my world was coming down around me........old feelings surface.....I feel the need to bring my journey into the present.

Its okay to remember the past but frequent journeys can hinder the soul. Healing my soul is primary focus right now. That is why I must end my journey to the past.