Waging War and Father Can You Hear Me?

What I'm about to write is a culmination of almost 20+ years of anger, pain, and finally peace. Everything here is real and from the heart. I needed to do this so I could be at peace with myself. It feels good to release all of this tension and pain. I feel so good now......I've been "Waging War" with the devil and the first step in doing so is getting rid of everything he has put in my life to hold me down.

Father can you hear me? If so, then you will know that this will be the last time I ever refer to you as my father. There are somethings that need to said, but given your current situation we will never have that conversation. For that reason I am putting what I feel here.

For the past 25 years I have had nothing but terrible, horrible, awful feelings towards you. You were never there when I needed you. You were too caught up in your own selfishness to stop and think about those that depended on you. Lie after lie, night after night, and year after year I cried because I didn't understand why everyone else had a father and I didn't. It messes with a child's mind when he or she is too young to understand that the pain being dealt isn't their fault. All I ever wanted was my father and that very simple task you could never accomplish. You went through hell and high water to get your next fix but never did the same for me. You fed me empty promises and lifeless dreams of us having a relationship. For those very reasons you and I will never be two.

You took something very precious from me. My trust. I will never trust you. If you can steal money from my mother while she was struggling to take care of two children then there is no limit to what you will do. I know I should leave the past exactly where it is, but your past has shaped my present. To be honest I don't like you, I don't respect you, and I don't love you. You hurt me beyond no return. Its one thing to lie to me when I was a child, but now I know better and yet you still feel the need to lie. I've given you chance after chance to make things right but I can no longer do this. I'm all out of tears and chances. The game of life with me has ended for you. You walked out on me before I could even comprehend who and what you were as a person.

I'm not 9 anymore and these feelings can no longer be stored inside of me. They have been eating away at me for years now. Today is the end all be all. I'm 25 and need to move on from all foolishness that is leaching onto my life. Its a shame that a 50yr. old man is still playing the same games he played at 19. I've searched your history. Your ignorance, lies, and selfishness has been getting you in trouble since 1974. YEAH, I found that out. You told some elaborate lies in your lifetime...no credit given though. Since 1974 you have been in and out of prison. How does that feel...it makes you look stupid!!!! As I type this all I can do is laugh cause you're so lame....LAME!! I still don't understand how one man with only ONE child can be soooo selfish. I mean come on man its time you get it together.

The only good thing I will say about you is that God blessed you to meet my mother and bring me into this world. Anything besides that well you know....no need to elaborate. I will say this, no matter how messed you got, my mother never spoke bad about you to me or around me. Your actions spoke volumes and no words were needed. So now I'm done, finished, hands washed, and eyes dried. I'm moving forward with my life. All I can do is pray for my peace and for your soul. I may not want anything to do with you but my faith won't allow me to not hope that God does not save you. His grace and mercy you do need and for that reason only I hope you find Him and make things right between the two of you.

So 2 fingers to you as I turn my back and walk on!!! I'M OUT!!!!

*"Waging War" a wonderful and very inspirational song by CeCe Winans...keeps me motivated!!!

SIN, FORNICATION, AND BROKEN COMMANDMENTS...

Sin, fornication, and broken commandments that is the road I've turned on. As you can see I've gotten lost on my journey and turned down this back alley.

When I first started this blog I wanted to take accurate note of adventures throughout my journey. As stated before I don't know where I'm going or where I will end up. However, in the midst of my journey I have fallen. I've fallen from grace and from the glory of God. Today I had the brightest revelation like no other. While in the middle of something that was occupying my time and afterwards I had the biggest feel of guilt and shame.

I know the things that I have been doing as of late are not in accordance to God's word. I have such guilt and shame for what I've done that I truly feel like I cannot and will not tell anyone. If I want to be in the beautiness of the Lord and if I want his glory to manifest within me then I need to make the needed steps in doing so. I don't want my living to be in vain. I also don't want what I do to affect those around me. By not being on one accord with those close to me in spirit and in truth I can hinder them and in turn they will not be blessed accordingly. That is the last thing I want to happen. I love those that are close to me and want nothing but the best for them.

I've heard his word over and over again, but today everything hits home hard. From today and until the end of my journey I will have a new outlook and a new means for my journey. I still have not set destination, but I know that once I get there I will know it.

Sin is real. The devil wanting to kill, steal, and destroy is real. So is the power of God and Jesus Christ. If you don't believe in HIM I'm not going to judge, knock, or force you. Right now I can't do anything but get myself together then do the work of the Lord. Until then........See you back on life's highway

Living The Single Life

This weekend was a very busy one for me. I had family from out of state come and visit. We met up with each other in the "sticks" of NC. Now when I say "sticks" I mean "one main stop light and the name of the town in front of every business establishment you see"....My people my people they have not left there and will continue to live in that small town state of mind.....Needless to say I am tired from all the coming and going that was done between where I live and who we saw.....Now this post isn't about my family visit but more so about the news that was delivered to me right before my mom, my aunt, and my brother left to go to the country....

A close friend of the family (named) "Lady" had been seeing this guy (named) "Creeper". Lady and Creeper had been seeing each other for 2yrs. All was well between the two she had him around her daughter and even took him home to meet her family. Well, like the story goes all good things must come to an end eventually. Creeper who is a motor coach operator has been seeing another female (named) "Woman" for 3yrs. Now Lady found this out because her friend who works with Creeper and Woman was conversing with an outside female and found out that the two were in fact together. Lady's friend left a note in Woman's car then called Lady to let her know what the deal was. Now here is the messed up part here. Lady had been giving it to Creeper on the regular. He would come to her house after work and would stay until the wee hours of the night. This was due to Woman having a second job. Well, the day before Lady found out about his backward ways the two had sex....he's a nasty bastard!!!

This dude, when he got caught had the audacity to call Lady and her friend miserable B****es and then said that they would continue to be lonely. To make a long story short this dude did the ultimate to her. He stood by her in some of her toughest times and even told her he cared about her, but how much did he care if he had a woman already and they are ENGAGED and BUYING A HOUSE!!!!

Now I know all men are not like this but situations like this keep for ever thankful to be living the single life.

****I should post the bastard's real name Deon, but that would be wrong of me now would it??? I mean how do I look putting a dirty d**k mofo on blast like that???? And if he reads this oh well should've kept his behind at home were he belongs!!!!

Celtic Pride and Music

I had an eventful night tonight. Ask anyone that I'm close to and they will tell you that I'm a die-hard Boston Celtics fan. Well if you follow basketball you know that the first round of the playoffs are going on. Tonight the Celtics lost to the Bulls in a triple overtime game 6. Now game 7 and the final game of this series will take place Saturday in Boston.....Now I have to put my nerves through another emotional 48 minutes...God my nerves are going to be shot!!!!

Now this post isn't solely about my Beantown boys but about my other favorite pass time...MUSIC.
Music is the one escape I have outside of praying and daydreaming. I have a huge passion for music. Of course I have my favorites but I can appreciate every style that is out. If I had to list my favorite artist it would be a very eclectic mix. For fun let me just see what that list would look like (not in any particular order):

Donny Hathaway
Patti LaBelle
Mary Mary
CeCe Winans
Gladys Knight
Phil Collins
Creed
Michael Jackson
Stevie Wonder
Enya
Boney James
Mary J. Blige
Luther Vandross
Aretha Franklin
Betty Wright
Sade
India Arie
Floetry
Goapole
Anthony Hamilton
Raheem Devaughn
David Bowie
Faith Hill
Leanne Rimes
Beethoven
Diedrick Haddon
Celine Dion
Linkin Park
Slick Rick
Doug E. Fresh
Big Daddy Kane
A Tribe Called Quest
Common
Biz Markie
KRS-ONE
LL Cool J ('95 and back)
Eric B. and Rakim
Run DMC
Beastie Boys
Afrikaa Bambatta
Kirk Franklin
Bishop Paul S. Morton
Hezakiah Walker
Fred Hammond
John P. Kee
Yolanda Adams
Martha Munizzi
Vicki Yohe
Donny McClurkin
Audio Two
Nas

okay its getting late and I think my list is long enough...forgive the spelling its 1:50am and I have to be up at 6am....so I'm going to bed now.