I Wouldn't Blame You!!

If no one came back to my blog and quit following me I wouldn't blame you...my slack behind. I know this is going to seem really random because my last post was like 2 months ago and I was going on about how I was be posting more etc etc...

Well, graduate school kicked in and I had work coming from every spot imaginable. Found out my youngest uncle has bone cancer at age 44...To top everything off my mother had medical issues, her crappy work insurance wouldn't pay for a surgery that she needs, my job is giving the run-around, and my sperm donor...oopps father decided he wanted to step back into my life...

****INSERT NERVOUS BREAKDOWN HERE****

My grades this quarter ended up dropping due to all of the stress that flooded my life and situations have not gotten any better, well they have some what, but.....

my father is trying to get back into my life, but right now I am not feeling him. I have forgiven him, but the people around seem to think that b/c that has happened I should want to be around him NOT!! No one is understanding that and makes it very difficult for me to process everything. My mother insist on bringing him to our house without asking me which pisses me off something seriously and royally....and had the nerve to let the negro spend the night twice without asking. The second time I asked if he was staying she said no and the bastard did anyway--so much for my feelings!!! My brother has given me some good advice and understands that it is going to have to happen when I am ready (for the relationship to take place). My mom keeps saying don't wait too late b/c some people don't get this kind of chance. I know that and its true, but this man has had more than one second chance to get it right. I'm 26 (turn 27 in November)...from the time I could remember he's had plenty of chances, now things will have to happen on my terms and time.

I'm not bitter, hurt yes, mad not anymore...well I was for the past two weeks b/c my feelings were not taken into consideration. I got so mad that I just shut down and didn't say anything to anyone. If I said something it was one word answers with a sharp tone. I finally spoke with my mom and I still don't think she fully understands were I am coming from. This is a messy situation that is only complicated by the fact that this man wants to get back together with my mother and I am not stupid I see her falling back for him. She is grown and I can't control that so I just keep my mouth shut and go about my business. This is the time, now more than ever for me to get my own place b/c I'm not ready to be around him and have him over for dinner like we're a happy family!!.....Only God and time will fix this....

The final shot to my mixed up world right now is that I have been on my monthly cycle for two weeks!! I have very irregular cycles and take birth control pills to regulate it. However, having a temporary job position means no benefits, which means no doctor, which means no regular prescription. If I go to the doctor I have to pay out of pocket (-$$$) and the cost of the meds is crucial!!!....this could be stressed induced from everything else, but it can also be coming from my condition Polycysitc Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I was diagnosed with this when I was about 16. I got my first cycle at age 9 or 10. Had it every month for a year, had once the next year, skipped it during the ages of 12-15 (well spotting occurred every now and then), and finally was diagnosed at 16....

Thank God for Salvation cause a chic would have lost it a long time ago with everything that has been going on right now!!