This week has been a little difficult. I guess a lot of it has to do with my 28th birthday. I turned 28 this past Monday and to be honest, I'm thankful to God for allowing me to be here and seeing this day, but a big part of me just isn't happy. Last year this time I went through some difficult transitions in my life that hard for me to deal with. This time last year, I had been laid off from my job (I had been there for 4 years), I had to have a surgical procedure, and my grades were slipping in graduate school. Fast forward a year later and there have only been minimal changes within my life. While I'm not back in graduate school, I have managed to find a part time job or should I say the job found me. I am still living with my mother (I am beyond ready to move), and I still don't have my DLs. This is not how I planned for my 28th birthday to be like. I never had any specific plans for myself by the time I was 28. I just wanted to be in a successful career and living independently. However, I see myself at the bottom looking up and it hurts so bad, I tell you it does. Talking about life taking an unexpected turn, this is a big one! I'm definitely on a journey and my ending is one that only god knows.
I find security in knowing that God is the only one that can bring me out of this journey and into a place of stability. He is the only one that knew my life would be like this at this very point in time. Knowing that gives me a stronger faith in the God that I serve. I have my moments when I cry because in all honesty it hurts. Going through hurts. It hurts to struggle, it hurts to see that your life is not where you want it to be, and it hurts to be honest with yourself and your situation. I have complete faith in God that all things are going tow work out for my good. According to the word of God, he knew the plans for my life before I knew myself, Jeremiah 29:11 states "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." That scripture and many others keep my going and feed my faith in the Lord.
I know bad times do last. I know struggles are only temporary. I also know that if I never struggle Iwill never be able to appreciated the blessings that God is ready to delivery into my life.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Here and Now
Man, its been 4 months since I have posted something on here. I have been through so many ups and downs in these past 4 months. Let's see...I have yet to find a job in my desired career path. However, I am working part-time in one of my favorite stores, LB! I really enjoy working there and my manager is mad cool. She hired me without even giving me an interview...can we say WORD!!!! I am still blessed to able to receive my unemployment, but my mind state is slowly going in and out. I want to be working on a stable, suitable, and career focused job ASAP! I am not used to this. However, I do know that all of this is God's doing and he is testing me on so many levels right now.
Let's see besides bill collectors calling me, student loans people riding my back, and the basic bills kicking me and my mom's butt life is pretty good. I just came back from my 5th mission trip. This was my 5th year going to Guayaquil Ecuador and as usual God really blessed me. I saw people that have become my distant family members and most importantly I saw my adopted Ecuadorian baby....Oh she is so beautiful and even though I only see her once a year she remembers me like I'm there with her all day everyday. I will have a later post chronicling my Ecuadorian Mission Trip 2011....coming soon!
Let's see besides bill collectors calling me, student loans people riding my back, and the basic bills kicking me and my mom's butt life is pretty good. I just came back from my 5th mission trip. This was my 5th year going to Guayaquil Ecuador and as usual God really blessed me. I saw people that have become my distant family members and most importantly I saw my adopted Ecuadorian baby....Oh she is so beautiful and even though I only see her once a year she remembers me like I'm there with her all day everyday. I will have a later post chronicling my Ecuadorian Mission Trip 2011....coming soon!
I have some emotional issues that I am still dealing with and I am contemplating speaking with my Assistant Pastor about them. Every time I think about them I begin to cry (like right now as I'm typing this). I hide my tears and pain from everyone and its getting harder and harder to do so. I think being out of work had made my emotional problems worse in a way. It hurts so bad, but I must keep going....can't let this stop me. I really don't know why these feelings are breaking me down like this...I cry out to God, but the pain is so hard to get past...I cry until I'm out of breath or better yet until I'm hyperventilating sometimes. I would say that I'm so over this, but clearly I'm not because I can't stop crying!...I hate dealing with my issues, I hate crying about them, and I hate talking about them, but something has to be done because this is starting to consume me. I think I am seriously teetering on depression and I need to speak with someone that can help me because I am not claiming any type of depression. I absolutely refuse to do so!
Until later...be blessed.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
TORNADO ALLEY
That is exactly where my home was this past Saturday.....I know I have been away for a while. I haven't been in the mood to "write" or "talk"...however you want to put it....However the events that unfolded this past Saturday has completely changed that.
There were a series of sever thunderstorms that came in from the Midwest part of the country. These storms had already killed 9 people, I think, in Oklahoma. The crazy thing is that during the day Saturday I was on the phone with my best friend talking, the sun was shining, and it was feeling great outside. We had the door to our deck open getting some fresh air, then all of a sudden the sky starts getting dark. I do remember the news saying something about storms coming our way, but no one knew it would be this bad. I was on the phone with my friend for a good while. While talking to her I kept noticing the wind picking up and the rain getting harder. After we hung up, I started looking at the news and they had did a complete interruption of the current program. The weatherman was reporting how a tornado or tornadoes had gone through some counties south of me. I began to worry because I have family in those counties. The funny thing about this ordeal was that my mom was in her room watching the news while I was in the living room. The weatherman said that it was going to hit our area in 10 minutes and it was going got be hard and fast.
There were a series of sever thunderstorms that came in from the Midwest part of the country. These storms had already killed 9 people, I think, in Oklahoma. The crazy thing is that during the day Saturday I was on the phone with my best friend talking, the sun was shining, and it was feeling great outside. We had the door to our deck open getting some fresh air, then all of a sudden the sky starts getting dark. I do remember the news saying something about storms coming our way, but no one knew it would be this bad. I was on the phone with my friend for a good while. While talking to her I kept noticing the wind picking up and the rain getting harder. After we hung up, I started looking at the news and they had did a complete interruption of the current program. The weatherman was reporting how a tornado or tornadoes had gone through some counties south of me. I began to worry because I have family in those counties. The funny thing about this ordeal was that my mom was in her room watching the news while I was in the living room. The weatherman said that it was going to hit our area in 10 minutes and it was going got be hard and fast.
Right then my mom and I had the same thought. We need to get dressed and go take cover in her bathroom. We were moving like the wind through our place getting clothing, medication, laptops, and anything else we thought we may have needed. It was so crazy because as soon as we got everything together the power was going in and out. We finally make it into her bathroom and as soon as we do we hear trees snapping, wind blowing, debree hitting the building....I mean it was SCARY!! As soon as it all happened it was finished. Like any sever storm afterwards the sun comes out and the rain stops. We along with our neighbors look out back to see huge trees that now look like rubble, one huge tree missed our building by inches, the main road behind us was blocked with trees on both sides. It was a complete mess. The neighborhood grocery store was damaged as well as the neighborhood(s) behind it.
The damage was surreal....I mean my mom and I heard everything and felt everything but God spared our lives and the people of in our neighborhood. After everything was over...we had to make those phone calls to make sure everyone was safe. My sister-in-law was driving back from the country, but she made it home safely. My aunt and uncle's families were both okay...just no power. Now my cousin and her family lost everything!!! It was her, her husband, and their son. She told her husband that they should clean out the downstairs closet just in case.....well as soon as they cleaned out the closet they had to get in it...her husband went upstairs to get something and that's when he saw the funnel cloud. They got in the closet and next thing they knew they were outside with the house all around them. One of my friends said he didn't know anything about the storm and was in his truck when the tornado came, a huge oak tree was on his house. A family from my church had a tree come through their kitchen and to top everything my 70+ year old aunt was hospitalized with chest pains.
My area lost power at 3:45 Saturday and did not get power until mid day Wednesday. There was a lot of candle burning, flashlight using, and getting home before dark that took place these past few days........After everything unfolded 23 within our state lost their lives including 4 children under the age of 10....the mobile home park they stayed in was demolished. It was so sad because the adult with them lost her 2 children and the other two were her nephews....they had nowhere to go but in a closet and a 100 year old oak tree fell on them! One of the HBCUs here cancelled class for the rest of the semester due to sever damage sustained to the campus. After thinking about everything I just fell into the greatest praise thanking God for keeping all of my family. You don't realize how serious it is until you have time to reflect....and I mean my mom and I could have easily been taken away but God didn't pull our number yet.
Monday, March 7, 2011
RECAP....2011 HAS JUST BEGUN RIGHT!
So last time I was here I was speaking about my many situations since 2010 has ended and 2011 began. Well, for starters I lost my appeal for financial aid to continue graduate school. I have been looking for a private loan, but since I am still unemployed I cannot secure a loan. This means that I have to some how come up with almost $20,000 before March 9th.....if not I will be financially suspended from school...smh! I wish the situation had ended differently, but as the songstress put it "it ain't over until God says its over."....that I do believe.
I'm still unemployed...lol. Looking for a job is tiresome. I mean I have applied to so many places that it doesn't make any since. I know eventually something will come through for me in due time. Until then I will continue my search. However, I am tired of staying home all day everyday. I don't know how people do day in and day out! My goodness....that gets old. It was fine for the first few days, but after that I had a serious breakdown. I spent so many days crying and being depressed to the point where I almost lost myself. I still have my days, but they are more good than bad now. I am getting unemployment benefits so I have some income coming in, but I want an actual pay check and benefits! I thank God because it could all be worse than what it is. I must say my mother has been sticking by me and supporting me through all of this.
Lastly, I just had a distant uncle that passed away a couple of weeks ago. I didn't know all too well, but he is still family. It was a good service, but some of the people there were a trip. Since he, my mom, and my other aunts and uncles weren't that close.....his other side didn't know about them. So everyone was like "OH I DIDN'T KNOW HE HAD ANY SISTERS!" I mean they kept saying it as if my mom and aunts were down there (he lived in the country part of NC) to get something. We came to pay our respects, support the serviving kids, and visit with the family. Them on the other had were there for the money-how do we know? The news is slowly making its way to us...ain't that a trip!....my uncle passed due to a number of medical complications that eventually took its toll on his body. On the heels of his death my aunt that lives in Michigan finally contacted us...we hadn't heard from her in almost a year. When she called she let us know that she was staying away due to her own medical complications. She has lupus, rhumetiod arthritis, and kidney troubles. This is a lot to handle and on top of that my mom's youngest brother at age 45 has been diagnosed with bone cancer. MAN....WE WERE BUILT FOR THIS....that is the only thing I can say to keep my family strong and to keep me from crying!!
Through all of this there is an upside. I am waking up everyday clothed in my right mind. I can give praises to God for all things and eventhough I am not working I have been blessed to pay for my missionary trip to Ecuador-this will be my 5th year in a row gowing....WOW GOD IS AMAZING!...If he can bless me in this capacity, I know he can bless me and the ones I love financially..that includes you all that are reading this....GOD BLESS AND STAY FOCUSED!
I'm still unemployed...lol. Looking for a job is tiresome. I mean I have applied to so many places that it doesn't make any since. I know eventually something will come through for me in due time. Until then I will continue my search. However, I am tired of staying home all day everyday. I don't know how people do day in and day out! My goodness....that gets old. It was fine for the first few days, but after that I had a serious breakdown. I spent so many days crying and being depressed to the point where I almost lost myself. I still have my days, but they are more good than bad now. I am getting unemployment benefits so I have some income coming in, but I want an actual pay check and benefits! I thank God because it could all be worse than what it is. I must say my mother has been sticking by me and supporting me through all of this.
Lastly, I just had a distant uncle that passed away a couple of weeks ago. I didn't know all too well, but he is still family. It was a good service, but some of the people there were a trip. Since he, my mom, and my other aunts and uncles weren't that close.....his other side didn't know about them. So everyone was like "OH I DIDN'T KNOW HE HAD ANY SISTERS!" I mean they kept saying it as if my mom and aunts were down there (he lived in the country part of NC) to get something. We came to pay our respects, support the serviving kids, and visit with the family. Them on the other had were there for the money-how do we know? The news is slowly making its way to us...ain't that a trip!....my uncle passed due to a number of medical complications that eventually took its toll on his body. On the heels of his death my aunt that lives in Michigan finally contacted us...we hadn't heard from her in almost a year. When she called she let us know that she was staying away due to her own medical complications. She has lupus, rhumetiod arthritis, and kidney troubles. This is a lot to handle and on top of that my mom's youngest brother at age 45 has been diagnosed with bone cancer. MAN....WE WERE BUILT FOR THIS....that is the only thing I can say to keep my family strong and to keep me from crying!!
Through all of this there is an upside. I am waking up everyday clothed in my right mind. I can give praises to God for all things and eventhough I am not working I have been blessed to pay for my missionary trip to Ecuador-this will be my 5th year in a row gowing....WOW GOD IS AMAZING!...If he can bless me in this capacity, I know he can bless me and the ones I love financially..that includes you all that are reading this....GOD BLESS AND STAY FOCUSED!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Have You Ever Ever Ever In Your Long Legged Life??
Okay, I'm not sure how to start this but here it goes...last week a church member passed away. He was killed by way of getting hit by a school bus. The entire story is so sad because it was a sudden death that was truly a mistake. From the stories going around the guy was riding a bicycle and road into traffic (thinking he could beat it). With that being said he was hit by the front of the bus, drugged up under the front wheel and stuck up under the bus. He succumbed to his injuries at the hospital. The deceased was a very kind hearted man. He was so full of life and loved the Lord as well as his family. Now his funeral was today. This is where things get interesting....
For starters the funeral was not held at our church, it was held at another church (his family decided that). This church was too small for the home going service, secondly the people...oh my goodness the people...!!...I have never seen people act in such an unprofessional and improper manner at a funeral. This was my first and Lord willing my last time attending a GHETTO funeral. The people came in talking loud, laughing, carrying on unnecessary conversations, and just being disrespectful to the deceased and his family. I mean I have never seen such actions. There were these two women behind me, my mother, and a few more of our church members. These two women carried on as if they were at home. Talking about getting their hair done, buying hot curlers, and eating candy. This one lady had the audacity to eat a GREEN LOLLIPOP! While the family was marching in, they continued to talk....wooo working my last nerve. This was the most ghetto funeral I've ever been too...These grown women were so disrespectful to the funeral service! It seems like every person that came in didn't know how to leave all ghetto tendencies at home. Whenever someone mentioned that area that the deceased grew up in the women behind me felt the need to shout it out like they were at a club or ghetto event talkin' bout..."THAT'S RIGHT...LANE STREET REPRESENT!!...WHAT WHAT!" I wanted to turn around and SHUT UP GHETTO BROAD, but I know One: that isn't Christ like and Two: It would have been disrespectful to the family. By the time this service was over...I was beside myself at how these people had carried on. My mother and other church members were in a state of disbelief as well at the actions of those that carried on in such an improper way.....
There are some other ghetto instances such as this man coming in wearing a fake rabbit white fur coat....looking a hot behind mess (of course the ghetto crew behind me had to laugh and say something)....it became standing room only at one point and the people didn't not want to go to the fellowship hall where the church was holding the overflow of people....the less dignified did not know how to leave orderly or quietly....so I ask the question again..have you ever ever ever in your long legged life....seen such or heard of such foolery at a funeral???
For starters the funeral was not held at our church, it was held at another church (his family decided that). This church was too small for the home going service, secondly the people...oh my goodness the people...!!...I have never seen people act in such an unprofessional and improper manner at a funeral. This was my first and Lord willing my last time attending a GHETTO funeral. The people came in talking loud, laughing, carrying on unnecessary conversations, and just being disrespectful to the deceased and his family. I mean I have never seen such actions. There were these two women behind me, my mother, and a few more of our church members. These two women carried on as if they were at home. Talking about getting their hair done, buying hot curlers, and eating candy. This one lady had the audacity to eat a GREEN LOLLIPOP! While the family was marching in, they continued to talk....wooo working my last nerve. This was the most ghetto funeral I've ever been too...These grown women were so disrespectful to the funeral service! It seems like every person that came in didn't know how to leave all ghetto tendencies at home. Whenever someone mentioned that area that the deceased grew up in the women behind me felt the need to shout it out like they were at a club or ghetto event talkin' bout..."THAT'S RIGHT...LANE STREET REPRESENT!!...WHAT WHAT!" I wanted to turn around and SHUT UP GHETTO BROAD, but I know One: that isn't Christ like and Two: It would have been disrespectful to the family. By the time this service was over...I was beside myself at how these people had carried on. My mother and other church members were in a state of disbelief as well at the actions of those that carried on in such an improper way.....
There are some other ghetto instances such as this man coming in wearing a fake rabbit white fur coat....looking a hot behind mess (of course the ghetto crew behind me had to laugh and say something)....it became standing room only at one point and the people didn't not want to go to the fellowship hall where the church was holding the overflow of people....the less dignified did not know how to leave orderly or quietly....so I ask the question again..have you ever ever ever in your long legged life....seen such or heard of such foolery at a funeral???
Sunday, January 23, 2011
That Same Ol' Feelin'...AND IT DONT FEEL GOOD!!
I don't know what it is but every time i see a movie about a love story I start getting that same old feeling. Why is it that I can never seem to find love? I don't mean a lustful type of love, but the kind of love that can only be found when fed with the love of God. I'm patiently waiting for God to send me the man that he has created especially for me, however, the wait has become long and hurtful. I'm tired of people asking me if I'm seeing anyone and having to reply "no." I mean, its hard not having a companion, but its even harder having to be faithful to God and to not move before him.....I'm just gonna end this post. I have too many thoughts that aren't coming out clearly. Maybe I will come back to finish this one at a later date. Like I said before I have that same ol' feelin' and it won't let me go on any further
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
So Long 2010
2010 in the beginning was a great year for me. There were a few bumps along the road but for the most part everything was wonderful until the half way point.
It seems like as soon and June came in my year began to spiral. I had the resurgence of my father and that went on for about 2 months. I posted a letter to my father entitled "Waging War and Father Can You Hear Me?". That summed up everything that I have gone through with that man. Well, him trying to come back into my life (only to lie again which I wasn't fooled by) with surrounding situations caused me to have a serious nervous breakdown. Oh and to top everything off I began having some medical complications with me passing blood clots for some unkown reason.....eventually was resolved some months later!
My job situation was an ongoing thing. Its really hard to go into work everyday knowing that you are not being appreciated and that you have people watching and waiting to back stab you. The presence of EVIL was in that place HARD. I tried to maintain my position and not let anyone there break me. There were a few times when I wanted to just break out and let every underhanded person in that place have it, but God kept my mouth shut.
October came and went. During this time my mom I were going (still going) through some tough financial struggles. Seems like bills are always on the menu. Then on November 1 at 1:20pm my supervisor came to me to inform me that my time was up and that they would be laying me off!!! Of course she knew this ahead of time but waited until the last minuet to inform me. This lady has held me back from a number of positions that I know I was qualified for, but that is okay b/c God's favor is upon my life. Well, prior to me being laid off I found a cyst in one of most personal areas of my body. I was treated at my doctor and the next week is when I was laid off. November 7 was my birthday and during a that time another cyst formed....we're all adults here...both cysts were in my vagina area....the second one was right about the "sweet spot!" I again went to the doctor, she didn't know what it was so emergency surgery was needed. I went to the doctor on Tuesday..Wednesday morning I was called and told to be at Rex Surgical at 2pm so my procedure could be done at 2:30pm. Had the procedure only to be rushed to the ER the next night. Man, there was a battery of test performed from and EKG to a nuclear lung scan!!!
So now I'm unemployed (still), in pain, can't walk, getting vertigo from my medication, and now failing school because of my medical complications (currently going through and Financial Aid Academic Appeal as I type this)....WHAT A WAY TO END THE YEAR!! I'm pain free know,but I have some mountains to climb! That's okay because with every mountain there is a peak that can be reached and over that peak is my VICTORY and yours too if you believe! I can't dwell on my issues and trust there are too many right now, but God is my source, guide, and my Redeemer!
Well I give thanks anyway because I could not even be here. I could be dead mentally and physically. I've been battle tested and proven to win! There is nothing that can knock me down. Everything that happens is due in God's will.
I'm ready for 2011....I believing in elevation on every level. I speak over myself the positive and blessings over my life. I know if God had kept me this far....there must be something special for me at the finish line...God Bless everyone, see you in 2011, and know that even if I don't know you I still love you as God loves me!
It seems like as soon and June came in my year began to spiral. I had the resurgence of my father and that went on for about 2 months. I posted a letter to my father entitled "Waging War and Father Can You Hear Me?". That summed up everything that I have gone through with that man. Well, him trying to come back into my life (only to lie again which I wasn't fooled by) with surrounding situations caused me to have a serious nervous breakdown. Oh and to top everything off I began having some medical complications with me passing blood clots for some unkown reason.....eventually was resolved some months later!
My job situation was an ongoing thing. Its really hard to go into work everyday knowing that you are not being appreciated and that you have people watching and waiting to back stab you. The presence of EVIL was in that place HARD. I tried to maintain my position and not let anyone there break me. There were a few times when I wanted to just break out and let every underhanded person in that place have it, but God kept my mouth shut.
October came and went. During this time my mom I were going (still going) through some tough financial struggles. Seems like bills are always on the menu. Then on November 1 at 1:20pm my supervisor came to me to inform me that my time was up and that they would be laying me off!!! Of course she knew this ahead of time but waited until the last minuet to inform me. This lady has held me back from a number of positions that I know I was qualified for, but that is okay b/c God's favor is upon my life. Well, prior to me being laid off I found a cyst in one of most personal areas of my body. I was treated at my doctor and the next week is when I was laid off. November 7 was my birthday and during a that time another cyst formed....we're all adults here...both cysts were in my vagina area....the second one was right about the "sweet spot!" I again went to the doctor, she didn't know what it was so emergency surgery was needed. I went to the doctor on Tuesday..Wednesday morning I was called and told to be at Rex Surgical at 2pm so my procedure could be done at 2:30pm. Had the procedure only to be rushed to the ER the next night. Man, there was a battery of test performed from and EKG to a nuclear lung scan!!!
So now I'm unemployed (still), in pain, can't walk, getting vertigo from my medication, and now failing school because of my medical complications (currently going through and Financial Aid Academic Appeal as I type this)....WHAT A WAY TO END THE YEAR!! I'm pain free know,but I have some mountains to climb! That's okay because with every mountain there is a peak that can be reached and over that peak is my VICTORY and yours too if you believe! I can't dwell on my issues and trust there are too many right now, but God is my source, guide, and my Redeemer!
Well I give thanks anyway because I could not even be here. I could be dead mentally and physically. I've been battle tested and proven to win! There is nothing that can knock me down. Everything that happens is due in God's will.
I'm ready for 2011....I believing in elevation on every level. I speak over myself the positive and blessings over my life. I know if God had kept me this far....there must be something special for me at the finish line...God Bless everyone, see you in 2011, and know that even if I don't know you I still love you as God loves me!
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