Waging War and Father Can You Hear Me?

What I'm about to write is a culmination of almost 20+ years of anger, pain, and finally peace. Everything here is real and from the heart. I needed to do this so I could be at peace with myself. It feels good to release all of this tension and pain. I feel so good now......I've been "Waging War" with the devil and the first step in doing so is getting rid of everything he has put in my life to hold me down.

Father can you hear me? If so, then you will know that this will be the last time I ever refer to you as my father. There are somethings that need to said, but given your current situation we will never have that conversation. For that reason I am putting what I feel here.

For the past 25 years I have had nothing but terrible, horrible, awful feelings towards you. You were never there when I needed you. You were too caught up in your own selfishness to stop and think about those that depended on you. Lie after lie, night after night, and year after year I cried because I didn't understand why everyone else had a father and I didn't. It messes with a child's mind when he or she is too young to understand that the pain being dealt isn't their fault. All I ever wanted was my father and that very simple task you could never accomplish. You went through hell and high water to get your next fix but never did the same for me. You fed me empty promises and lifeless dreams of us having a relationship. For those very reasons you and I will never be two.

You took something very precious from me. My trust. I will never trust you. If you can steal money from my mother while she was struggling to take care of two children then there is no limit to what you will do. I know I should leave the past exactly where it is, but your past has shaped my present. To be honest I don't like you, I don't respect you, and I don't love you. You hurt me beyond no return. Its one thing to lie to me when I was a child, but now I know better and yet you still feel the need to lie. I've given you chance after chance to make things right but I can no longer do this. I'm all out of tears and chances. The game of life with me has ended for you. You walked out on me before I could even comprehend who and what you were as a person.

I'm not 9 anymore and these feelings can no longer be stored inside of me. They have been eating away at me for years now. Today is the end all be all. I'm 25 and need to move on from all foolishness that is leaching onto my life. Its a shame that a 50yr. old man is still playing the same games he played at 19. I've searched your history. Your ignorance, lies, and selfishness has been getting you in trouble since 1974. YEAH, I found that out. You told some elaborate lies in your lifetime...no credit given though. Since 1974 you have been in and out of prison. How does that feel...it makes you look stupid!!!! As I type this all I can do is laugh cause you're so lame....LAME!! I still don't understand how one man with only ONE child can be soooo selfish. I mean come on man its time you get it together.

The only good thing I will say about you is that God blessed you to meet my mother and bring me into this world. Anything besides that well you know....no need to elaborate. I will say this, no matter how messed you got, my mother never spoke bad about you to me or around me. Your actions spoke volumes and no words were needed. So now I'm done, finished, hands washed, and eyes dried. I'm moving forward with my life. All I can do is pray for my peace and for your soul. I may not want anything to do with you but my faith won't allow me to not hope that God does not save you. His grace and mercy you do need and for that reason only I hope you find Him and make things right between the two of you.

So 2 fingers to you as I turn my back and walk on!!! I'M OUT!!!!

*"Waging War" a wonderful and very inspirational song by CeCe Winans...keeps me motivated!!!