IN THE MAKING

I am a blessing in the making:

God has given me the tools to become a blessing. Whether it is to myself or to those around me I am a blessing in the making. God's rewards on earth are mine (and yours) for the taking. The only thing is that we have to earn them. God will never hand us a victory or a blessing we have to earn them. Its not enough to say "Yes, I believe or Yes, I will follow." We have to live by example(s) as well. Don't judge me by the way that I dress, walk, speak, or look. Instead judge me by the way that I praise. Giving praise and worship to God is one of the highest acknowledgements of his existence. You see we can't hide from him nor can we run, but we can submit willing and forcefully. If we don't kneel down before him he will put us in a position were that (kneeling) will be the only option. God is not some man on the street that can be overlooked with little disregard. Instead he is a forceful, loving, all-knowing power that will take you were you need to be in any given moment in life. We may not always be were we want to be, but God has us were we need to be and it is up to us to see the blessing(s) behind that.

We all have different walks of life that we must follow. We will all answer to God at different times in our lives, when, that is left up to him. Being a blessing to someone is not about being perfect, or striving for perfection---that will never be humanly possible. Perfection is resting on the throne and we follow his footsteps. He set a path for each and every one of us. It is going to take some longer than others to follow that path, but in the end submission will happen. Being a blessing to others is not always about giving tangible items. Being happy for your brother or sister in the midst of their blessing can actually bless you! You may not see it and you may not understand it, but in the end God will reveal it to you. If you have dreams that you know are based on God's word and anointing speak them into existence because your dreams are only a visualization of the victories that await you. God will never not bless his people remember he wants to bless us.

It has taken me a while and I am still learning, but being were I want to be is not were God needs for me to be right now. See giving us everything we want will only spoil us. He will consider us for certain circumstances. He knows which one of us will be the strongest to withstand that is why we are given certain battles to fight. The battle we fight will never end in a loss. Why, because we were already given the victory. However, we must fight, praise, and pray in the midst of to show God that we do believe in his power. God will never put us through a battle to lose and be taken out. He will put us through so that we can see just how powerful he is and to see how quick we will call and allow him to operate in our going-through. Remember you are a blessing in the making!

God is real, God is love, God is here. Be a blessing to someone because you never know that person may in turn bless you!!

I Wouldn't Blame You!!

If no one came back to my blog and quit following me I wouldn't blame you...my slack behind. I know this is going to seem really random because my last post was like 2 months ago and I was going on about how I was be posting more etc etc...

Well, graduate school kicked in and I had work coming from every spot imaginable. Found out my youngest uncle has bone cancer at age 44...To top everything off my mother had medical issues, her crappy work insurance wouldn't pay for a surgery that she needs, my job is giving the run-around, and my sperm donor...oopps father decided he wanted to step back into my life...

****INSERT NERVOUS BREAKDOWN HERE****

My grades this quarter ended up dropping due to all of the stress that flooded my life and situations have not gotten any better, well they have some what, but.....

my father is trying to get back into my life, but right now I am not feeling him. I have forgiven him, but the people around seem to think that b/c that has happened I should want to be around him NOT!! No one is understanding that and makes it very difficult for me to process everything. My mother insist on bringing him to our house without asking me which pisses me off something seriously and royally....and had the nerve to let the negro spend the night twice without asking. The second time I asked if he was staying she said no and the bastard did anyway--so much for my feelings!!! My brother has given me some good advice and understands that it is going to have to happen when I am ready (for the relationship to take place). My mom keeps saying don't wait too late b/c some people don't get this kind of chance. I know that and its true, but this man has had more than one second chance to get it right. I'm 26 (turn 27 in November)...from the time I could remember he's had plenty of chances, now things will have to happen on my terms and time.

I'm not bitter, hurt yes, mad not anymore...well I was for the past two weeks b/c my feelings were not taken into consideration. I got so mad that I just shut down and didn't say anything to anyone. If I said something it was one word answers with a sharp tone. I finally spoke with my mom and I still don't think she fully understands were I am coming from. This is a messy situation that is only complicated by the fact that this man wants to get back together with my mother and I am not stupid I see her falling back for him. She is grown and I can't control that so I just keep my mouth shut and go about my business. This is the time, now more than ever for me to get my own place b/c I'm not ready to be around him and have him over for dinner like we're a happy family!!.....Only God and time will fix this....

The final shot to my mixed up world right now is that I have been on my monthly cycle for two weeks!! I have very irregular cycles and take birth control pills to regulate it. However, having a temporary job position means no benefits, which means no doctor, which means no regular prescription. If I go to the doctor I have to pay out of pocket (-$$$) and the cost of the meds is crucial!!!....this could be stressed induced from everything else, but it can also be coming from my condition Polycysitc Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I was diagnosed with this when I was about 16. I got my first cycle at age 9 or 10. Had it every month for a year, had once the next year, skipped it during the ages of 12-15 (well spotting occurred every now and then), and finally was diagnosed at 16....

Thank God for Salvation cause a chic would have lost it a long time ago with everything that has been going on right now!!

Okay! Can U Say Renege...????

I feel like I have been playing a game of spades for the past few months. I know I came by here saying how I would be posting regularly...Well your girl has been in school since December and it has been kicking my behind big time. Between school, work, and personal issues I have been one busy chic. I just finished my first quarter of graduate school and your girl has a 3.0 GPA!!!---GO ME GO ME GO ME!!...let me stop.

Now how have all of you been? I trust that life has been treating you all very kind. I must say that God has blessed me to make it through some difficult situations and he is seeing me through one right now---HE WILL SHOW HIS GLORY!! I must say that coming here and writing is such a release of pressure for me. I am growing distant from someone that is really close to me, and only God knows how this is going to end. I don't know...I am starting to view things differently. I know it is me growing closer to God and me coming into my own grown-woman status...lol..

I guess this is my second step..now I don't know when the third will be, but hmmm I am not going to make empty promises and become a habitual reneger...I have a lot more to discuss, but I have to get back to my homework...Love all of you with the Love of the Lord--and that is true!!!...More to come!

S.O.S..Same Old Sssshhhhh...ttttt!..with a side of mystery sauce!

When I first started this blog I had every intention on posting something everyday, week, and month. Well some how my focused changed, my love for writing changed, shoot I don't even have an excuse. So while I'm in the middle of homework--I've decided to put my procrastination aside and put something out here.

I really haven't visited the other sites that I used to frequent. I miss them so much. It has been what---2 months since my last post. Somethings have changed for me for one I am now in school getting my master's degree--2 snaps for me!! I will be the first in my family to receive such an honor. Other than going to school there really hasn't been anything new in my life. However, my friends, of course keep me entertained for days on end with there drama. Where should I start?

Best Friend:

She is done with that "chic" and is now talking to her ex-boyfriend again. You know the same one that had her spazzing out on the phone with me. Your boy has some serious issues and she does too. I don't know what to say about this one. He needs someone to be there for him cause his family isn't but I don't think it is healthy for her to be that person he leans on. Maybe its just me but I see the cycle of them going through pain and pleasure all over again. Only time will tell what happens and I will inform you all about it.

Co-Worker:

Now this female is seeing has been seeing this lazy, ignorant, piece of a man for over a year now. He half way works, has no respect for her, and is married--which he lied about. Now when she found out he was married his wife told her...How you may ask? Get this his wife contacted my friend via FACEBOOK!!!.....I was on complete mute when that happened...all you could hear in my head was *crickets singing*....they have gone through some more stuff, but my issue with her is that she keeps saying she is tired of him. She can't be too tired cause they have moved twice since being together--with her paying for everything during both moves. From the things she has told me about this dude--I DON'T TRUST HIM!!...She said she planned to leave him on Dec. 31st well that day has come and gone and he is still there. Well it is Jan. 7 and she hasn't been to work in 2 days. I don't know what is going on, but I'm not going to jump to any conclusions. All I know is, if this girl does not come to work tomorrow I will be calling her. If she doesn't call, text, or hit me up on facebook...suspect #1 will be getting a knock at the door from the police!! I just have a gut feeling that if she tries to leave him he will go crazy. I know one time she was going to leave him. She had found a place for her and her kids (none of them his). Everything was in order and when it was time for her to move she got mysteriously sick...I mean hospital sick--seizure and all. I think ol' dude put something in her food cause he is the only one that cooks in the house.....Jeenkies Shaggy I Smell A Mystery!!!!...I will inform you on what happens later.

Oh for the few follower that I do have thanks for not removing yourself and for the new one I noticed...thanks!!! I won't be gone for too long this time--I Promise!!

Okay...So now I'm a lesbian AGAIN!!!

Lol...Woooo!! This is that what popped into my head when best friend told me that she was liking this female. Oh my goodness!......OH SNAP...WAIT A MINUTE!

I'm sorry I know its been a while since I've been here! Been too busy and had too many distractions, but now a chic is focused...okay back to my story!

My birthday was earlier this month and I went to visit my best friend for the weekend. I can honestly say that we are going in two different directions with our lives. She is still in party mode and I am ready to be the Christian God has called me to be. However, we managed to meet in the middle and have a good time. Let me tell you, I love her like a sister, but she is a puff and a drink away from being some type of an addict. She was always a drinker, but would never drink to get drunk now she is drinking and not knowing how much money she spent at the bar. She now drinks to get drunk...SO LAME--before someone goes in on me--I've told her that was lame.

Well she has just broken up with a boyfriend that was less than perfect and in the end only cared about himself. There were plenty of nights were she would call me at 1am crying about how he doesn't care. There were also plenty of nights were I would tell her she needs to put herself first and stop losing herself in relationships, but she didn't listen until it was too late...

Now she is liking this female...her liking females is nothing new b/c when we were in undergrad together she was dating a female and I was put in between each and one of their many problems....WHY ME!!!....she said after that relationship was over she wouldn't date any other female...LIE!...I guess one would have to know my friend in order to know why I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed b/c I know exactly were this relationship will go and who will once again be stressed! I just want to yell "love yourself enough to know that being in a relationship right now is not healthy...get to know yourself!" She talks a good game, but can never live up to it....so now she is not liking men anymore. Now she's back to women!!! Nothing but flip flopping and back switching going on here!!

Facing My Past for the Future

I've been waiting and debating for so long on whether I should write this post or not. By writing this I have to come to terms with some things that happened in my past. I would have to face some realities and truths that go along with this. However, this past Sunday my pastor made a goo comment about having skeletons in the closet and for some people we may have bodies in our closet. Well, I have one issue that I have never faced still dangling in my closet. I have never told anyone until now. Actually, it took me up until yesterday to really admit to myself what happened and the effects that I suffered also.

When I was around 5 or 6 my next door neighbor, she was not too much older than me, would come over to play with me sometimes. Well one day she said she wanted to play a game were she was a "boy" and I was a "girl." I said okay, and so we started playing and next thing I know she begins to touch me in all of the wrong areas. At first I didn't like it but she convinced me that we were just playing and that no one would never know. She said that she did this with all of her friends. So we kept playing and she then asked me to lay down so that she could "do it to me." She repeatedly touched me and rubbed her body against mine. She kept telling me that no one would find out and that if I wanted to continue being her friend we would have to switch places. Meaning I would play the boy and she would be the "girl." She would coach me on were to touch her and how to rub up against her. I never told anyone cause she said friends wouldn't tell on each other. So, as the years went by I just put it in the back of my memory until recently. I have been going through some personal recognition and truths so that I can move forward with my life. Releasing this has made me feel a lot better. As to whether or not I believed she molested me, I don't know? Maybe one would say she did and someone else would say she didn't. I just know that now I don't have this stuck in my mind as a bottled up memory so I am at peace with myself.

Depressed No More!!

Hey...I'm back..People I tell you. I was going through some changes. My job had to let me go for month and I should be back to work in November (thank God). My personal life isn't going the way I want it to go. So for a while I have been in a very quiet mood.....But all of that has changed now!!!

I don't know what was going on with me. For that past several weeks I've been in a major funk. I don't know if I was depressed, hurt, or just not feeling life at that moment. However, your girl is doing much better now. I think a switch just went off and said "Okay, its time to move on." Moving on is just what I did. I've started a new workout plan, got a new hairstyle, and bought some new clothes and shoes. I had to cheer myself and start down my new road of self discovery. I think my change of mood may have something to do with the change of the season. Fall is here and there are new beginnings all around me. I can hardly wait to step into my destiny!

As time goes on I will be more consistent with my life changes as well as posting new things along with venturing out. Not only will I be venturing out more in my personal life, but in the blog world as well. I got some new ideas floating around in my head and very soon they will be manifesting themselves in my life and the lives of others. Until then, talk to you all later!!!