IT HIT THE FAN...AND NOW ITS BROKEN!!!

Well people as the saying goes the S.ugar H.oney I.ce T.ea has hit the fan!! Some how my computer got a VIRUS and now I am forced to use my mother's computer. Just great!!!! Now I'm gonna have to sneak and update while at work and try to keep my blog a secret from my mother....I don't want anyone personal to me to know about this blog.....I may saying something about someone and I don't want anyone to get offended.

25 Things

I've seen this for a while now and never felt like doing it until now...so I'm off.

25 Things about me:

1. I am from Raleigh, NC.

2. I am the youngest of two children: I have an older brother by seven years.

3. I have yet to have any type of relationship with my father.

4. My father is the only one in his family that I don't have a relationship with.

5. My brother has always been my father figure.

6. Clearly I have issues with my father...lol

7. I am the first out my family to go to college and graduate.

8. I am the eternal optimist....I will see the bright side to any situation.

9. I did not love they guy that took my "v-card".....I didn't really like him and we are now friends...plus he doesn't know he was my first...its a long story.

10. It wasn't until recently that I started to accept the way I look.

11. Procrastination is my biggest weakness.

12. I relate better to guys most of the time.

13. At times I feel like I'm not ready to have a serious relationship.

14. At times I know I'm ready to have a serious relationship.

15. I love old movies.

16. The 70s made some of the best music ever.....THANKS MOMMY!!!

17. I know all the words to Donny Hathaway's "A Song For You" but can barely remember a line from anything out now.

18. I am a true friend until you piss me off.

19. My favorite movie is "A Bronx Tale."

20. I have been to Ecuador twice, this year will be my third, and I want to adopt an Ecuadorian child someday.

21. Being a blessing to others is my ultimate desire behind serving God.

22. I do more thinking and cleaning right before I go to bed.

23. Shopping for shoes, clothes, handbags, or anything is an addiction for me....I need to find a Shoppers Anonymous meeting ASAP!!!

24. My brother and I have never had an argument.

25. My mother and I have a wonderful relationship.

IS IT POSSIBLE........

It is getting late, but I need to put somethings down. I have waiting or should I say procrastinating about typing out this post. Like I said in my previous post I am going through some issues right now and this clearly reflects some of my issues. Feel free to leave your opinions.

Is It Possible..................................................

for me to be "me" while living in a world of chaos?

to love someone that does not know you exist?

to not have to live up to society's standards of beauty and still catch the eye of someone?

for bigger to not be better?

to hate to love someone or love to hate someone?

to see your life be portrayed in a book that is completely fictional?

to be permanently stuck in a rut or funk?

to need love but never have it?

for the world to change so that we can truly have peace?

for me to meet the man God has for me without compromising who I am?

for someone to find out the true meaning of love?

to express love without actually saying "I love you"?

for me to love the skin I'm in?

to separate myself from all of the wrong around me?

for me to quit talking about love in this post....possibly?

to not live vicariously through others?

for me to reach the destiny that God planned for me?

for me to try more self love and acceptance?

for one to find his or her "Mr. or Mrs. Right"?

to still be jealous of the one your "first" is with?

to laugh now, cry later, and live last?

to be honest and tell the one he is "the one for me"?

to be in love with someone that doesn't know and not seem like a psycho ...lol...?

for who ever reads this to believe that i can cleanse my heart from the past?

for me to really be a virtuous woman (Proverbs 31:30)?

I know this was rather lengthy, but I needed to get these question out of my head. I may not have answers to any of these questions in the immediate future. Everything takes time and patience. I have an immense amount of patience I just.....just need to re-evaluate some areas I guess.

Endless Possibilities......

Right now I'm going through some things right now. I don't know what exactly to do at this point. I've been going through some rough emotions internally. I'm on some new stuff with the way I'm feeling. My mind has been just voided of everything. For the past few days I've had some serious tension headaches going in on. All I can do right now is pray, trust in God, seek His glory, and give glory in the midst of my situation. So at this point the title says it all there are "endless possibilities" surrounding my current issues. Until later......I will be in better spirits I know I will.

The List.....

One day I while at home I created this list of what I would like for my ideal man to possess. Now I know that everyone is not perfect and finding everything in one person may not be possible. I am open to compromising one thing for the other. After all I may not possess everything that a man is looking for in a woman. Now that I look at this list I find it very interesting. Please feel free to leave your opinions and pass it along to any men that you may know. I would really like to know what they may have to say about this list.

The List:

God: Has to be first. Being a Christian is very important to me. Like I stated before I am not perfect and I am not looking for perfection but there has to be some connection between him and the Master.

Family: I am very close to my family. No matter what I know that my family has my back. The man that comes into my life must love family and all that it represents.

Work: Cannot be allergic to it. Simple as that if I'm working then you are too!!

Love: Can't be afraid of it. It will come eventually just be prepared for the effects from it. Must also know how to express it verbally or physically.

Respect: If you give it to me I will return it to you. This has to be earned and cannot be broken. Must know how to give and how to demand it.

Swagger: One has to posses it without being conceited. Includes everything from his walk, his talk, his scent, and his outward appearance. All in all a well kept man.

Academics: A must have. There has to be more than hip-hop, sports, and cars.

Physical looks: As long as I can look at him and smile I am happy.

Body type: I'm open; the body is only the container of the goodness that God has given to me.

Personality: NO lameness or sarcasm. Outgoing, reserved, and reachable will be wonderful.

Commitment: Has to be in sight. This is one of the greatest elements of being in love.

Security: Can that be given without him compromising who he is. Meaning can he be strong for the both of us if need be.

Vision: What is his reason for living? Is it to serve God or man? Does he have a life plan and is he willing to have that be altered if he encounters set-backs?

Culture: Has to be open-minded about other life aspects and be more accepting. There is more than hood politics to life.

Class: For a man, better stated as being distinguished. Has to know how to dress to impress, know a salad fork from a regular fork, and know that chivalry is not dead.

Softness: Better stated as male sensitivity. Not afraid to show it in front of you or his boys. Not afraid to express it at any given point in time.

Versatility: Be able to switch from "da hood" to the boardroom and back with ease. Know classical music like he knows hip-hop music or some other form of music other than Lil Wayne.

Desire: There has to be a want or need for something important in life. There has to be a driven mentality in the brain. What keeps him motivated?

Patience: Nothing will come easy or when you want it. Life moves at a pace in which we have been programed to follow. There is one thing I cannot stand and that is an impatient person. That is a major turn off.

I know that the person for me may not meet every quality that I'm looking for. There will be some compromising on my part as well as his. There isn't nor will there ever be "perfect person." There are some standards that I will not lower or compromise on. However, I will not let anyone or anything keep me from being headstrong about what I'm looking for.

Bound

That is exactly how I feel right about now. My current living conditions consist of me staying with my mother. Don't get me wrong, we have a wonderful relationship and get along almost like sister, but I don't feel as if I am really growing as an adult because I do stay with my mother. I truly believe that this is one of the reasons for me starting my journey. I want to get away and spread my wings, but I know that if I do move out, I wouldn't be able to afford it right now and my mother could potentially lose our condo due to financial issues. We both make enough money combined to cover all of the bill, but separately it would be impossible right about now.

I talk with my friends and all but one have their own place. When I start to think about moving out I sometimes feel like I am wrong because I know that my mother would not be able to cover everything by herself. I know struggling is part of the process, but it hurts to struggle and it hurt to see my mother having to struggle. I really want to be out on my own, but there are so many factors that are keeping me were I am right now.

I feel like staying at home has in some way taken away my confidence. I'm already not comfortable with the way that I look most of the time. So that in itself has taken a shot at my confidence. Then it seems as if I am never going to have a "love life" and I most definitely will not be having one while staying with my mother (unless God states something else). I want to be in a relationship.....wait wait wait that is another post in itself....comment paused. Will resume at a later date and time.

I know God has a plan for my life and being bound is just a small stepping stone on path to spiritual redemption. I know that everything I go through has already been ordained by him and there is nothing I can do to change what has been planned for my life. However, I don't have to sit back and let my life pass me by. There will be accomplishments made, big and small. I just have to trust in God more than I trust myself because everything that he has for me is for me. However, I won't get those blessings unless I serve him and rebuild my self so that he can realign my life .

Like I said before I love my mother and staying home does have it positives, but as I am getting older I need a certain level of privacy and responsibility that comes along with living by yourself. I don't want to feel like I am leaving my mom out to dry, but some days I just want to pack up and move......I am I being a bad child??? My mother has asked me many times if I feel trapped or if I am happy, but I feel like if I say yes then it will hurt her. I mean my mother is not the nosey type nor is she in my business 24/7, but.......I guess its just me getting older and walking into my womanhood? Could be could be not...only God knows and only he will tell me the true answer.

PIT-STOP and SCATTERGORIES

I made a pit-stop while on my continuous journey of life and decided to exercise my brain with a little fun today. You can do this if you want. I just did it to kill time while at work. It kind of makes you think for answers that are not so obvious.

RULES:

ERASE MY ANSWERS AND ENTER YOURS. USE THE 1ST LETTER OF YOUR NAME TO ANSWER EACH OF THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS. THEY HAVE TO BE REAL PLACES, NAMES,THINGS.NOTHING MADE UP! TRY TO USE DIFFERENT ANSWERS IF THE PERSON IN FRONT OF YOU HAD THE SAME 1ST INITIAL. YOU CAN'T USE YOUR NAME FOR THE BOY/GIRL NAME QUESTION. Have Fun!!

1. What is your name: "N" (not gonna get myself caught up by putting out my government...nope not gonna happen..maybe one day I will put it up here.)

2. A 4 Letter Word: Nice

3. A Boys Name: Nathan

4. A Girl's Name: Nicole

5. An Occupation: Nurse

6. A Color: Not Really a Waitress ( OPI nail polish color)

7. Something you wear: Necktie

8. A beverage: Nectarine Juice

9. A Movie: Natural Born Killers

10. Something found in the bathroom: Nair

11. A place: Norway

12. A Reason for being not going to work on time: Nose bleeds

13. Something you shout out: NO!!!

The Young and the Helpless........Man I'm Tired!!

Okay people, when I started my journey I knew that I would not be alone. However, I did not know that I would have someone else's emotional baggage traveling with me. This baggage comes in the form of my best friend and the issue of love. She has been dating and playing house with this guy for almost a year. Now the issue that lies underneath is that he was in love with another female prior to my best friend and during the course of that relationship she hurt him. According to my friend this past female has now soured him on all women and how to love them.

Now I said all of that to say this: She calls me about twice a week with the same issues of surrounding their relationship. I feel like there are four people that are actively involve with two of them not really having a choice but to be put in the middle. That being me and the female from the past. This female has played a vital part in many arguments one being when my best friend's boyfriend started contacting his ex again without her knowing about it. Now my friend found out b/c she went snooping in his phone. I don't condone that, but what's done is done and now they are at a serious point of almost no return. He is now spending his time and money for the bill on strip clubs and lap dances. Oh and he doesn't like giving my friend money if and when she needs it. My friend now spends her time crying and going through the motions of the same merry-go-round cycle. Now every time these problems come up guess who gets a phone call at all times of the night.......that's right ME........!

I will be the first to admit that I have ignored her phone calls because I find myself repeating the advice that I've given in the past only to have her not take heed to it. If that makes me a bad friend then I'm sorry, but sometimes I just don't want to hear it. She gets so wrapped up in "loving" someone that she loses herself in the process and then breaks down to almost nothing. Man it makes me tired some days just thinking about it. I try to encourage her but she gets so stubborn that nothing will penetrate and I will not waste my time on no one friend or not.

Wanna know something funny....I completely forgot what angle I was going for when I started this post. See that's because my friend has been going through the motions all night and letting me know every little detail via text messaging. Man I'm tired.......what is a girl to do (that goes for me and my best friend).

Inspiration

Through out the course of this long journey I have been able to see inspiration in the smallest of things and in the most unexpected things.

Music
I have a serious love for music and that has undoubtedly inspired the better part of my life. "A Song For You" by Donny Hathaway-one of my favorite songs of all time. I think I've listened to that song so much that I'm able to feel the love and pain that is behind it. Then there is "Imagine Me" by Kirk Franklin and "Get Up" by Mary Mary. Both of these songs have given me the initiative to one: renew my relationship with Christ and two: taught me to love myself and work on making me a better me.

Literature
I love reading the works of Nikki Giovanni, Langston Hughes, Angela Davis, Kimberly Crenshaw, Assata Shakur, Paul Lawrence Dunbar...I could go on forever. I lover everything from their political nature to their philosophical tones to their passion for life. I've even found inspiration from bloggers like Kelie "The K-spot", E "eclectik-relaxation", and Sharon "The True Urban Queen" just to name a few. Their play on words is amazing, their truthfulness wonderful, and their intelligence speaks through every word.

Politics
Barbara Jordan, Angela Davis, Stokely Carmichael, Huey Newton, Bobby Seal, Assata Shakur, Marcus Garvey, Cesar Chavez, W.E.B. Dubois and many more. These individuals embody the notion of hard work, self reliance, notion of change, the uplifting of their people.

Personal
Of course my mother, brother, grandmother, great grandmother, my two year summer internship mentor, my first supervising manager at my current job, my pastors, my uncle, the entire Political Science department at my alma mater, my fellow missionaries to Ecuador, and all of the men, women, and children living in Guayaquil, Ecuador. Everyone of the people listed has a special place in my heart. I've seen their struggle, I've gained knowledge from their teachings, I've learned to better myself, I've learned to love unconditionally, and I've learned that no matter what be thankful for what God has given me.

The Ultimate
My ultimate inspiration: GOD all the way. I put no one before him not even my family. He gave me the gift of life and continues to keep here in spite of my mess. So that I may have life He gave his only son to the world and for that I feel that my ultimate show of gratitude is to give my life back to him in return. That is why I decided at the age of 17 was to get saved. Now the road hasn't been easy. Yes, I've fallen many many times, but I'm only human. I know that through my faith the mistakes I made before have been forgiven as well as corrected and I will never make them again. I live my by Psalms 121:

1 I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help

2 My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth.

3 He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber.

4 Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand.

6 The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.

8 The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.