Bound

That is exactly how I feel right about now. My current living conditions consist of me staying with my mother. Don't get me wrong, we have a wonderful relationship and get along almost like sister, but I don't feel as if I am really growing as an adult because I do stay with my mother. I truly believe that this is one of the reasons for me starting my journey. I want to get away and spread my wings, but I know that if I do move out, I wouldn't be able to afford it right now and my mother could potentially lose our condo due to financial issues. We both make enough money combined to cover all of the bill, but separately it would be impossible right about now.

I talk with my friends and all but one have their own place. When I start to think about moving out I sometimes feel like I am wrong because I know that my mother would not be able to cover everything by herself. I know struggling is part of the process, but it hurts to struggle and it hurt to see my mother having to struggle. I really want to be out on my own, but there are so many factors that are keeping me were I am right now.

I feel like staying at home has in some way taken away my confidence. I'm already not comfortable with the way that I look most of the time. So that in itself has taken a shot at my confidence. Then it seems as if I am never going to have a "love life" and I most definitely will not be having one while staying with my mother (unless God states something else). I want to be in a relationship.....wait wait wait that is another post in itself....comment paused. Will resume at a later date and time.

I know God has a plan for my life and being bound is just a small stepping stone on path to spiritual redemption. I know that everything I go through has already been ordained by him and there is nothing I can do to change what has been planned for my life. However, I don't have to sit back and let my life pass me by. There will be accomplishments made, big and small. I just have to trust in God more than I trust myself because everything that he has for me is for me. However, I won't get those blessings unless I serve him and rebuild my self so that he can realign my life .

Like I said before I love my mother and staying home does have it positives, but as I am getting older I need a certain level of privacy and responsibility that comes along with living by yourself. I don't want to feel like I am leaving my mom out to dry, but some days I just want to pack up and move......I am I being a bad child??? My mother has asked me many times if I feel trapped or if I am happy, but I feel like if I say yes then it will hurt her. I mean my mother is not the nosey type nor is she in my business 24/7, but.......I guess its just me getting older and walking into my womanhood? Could be could be not...only God knows and only he will tell me the true answer.