Tuesday, December 28, 2010

So Long 2010

2010 in the beginning was a great year for me. There were a few bumps along the road but for the most part everything was wonderful until the half way point.

It seems like as soon and June came in my year began to spiral. I had the resurgence of my father and that went on for about 2 months. I posted a letter to my father entitled "Waging War and Father Can You Hear Me?". That summed up everything that I have gone through with that man. Well, him trying to come back into my life (only to lie again which I wasn't fooled by) with surrounding situations caused me to have a serious nervous breakdown. Oh and to top everything off I began having some medical complications with me passing blood clots for some unkown reason.....eventually was resolved some months later!

My job situation was an ongoing thing. Its really hard to go into work everyday knowing that you are not being appreciated and that you have people watching and waiting to back stab you. The presence of EVIL was in that place HARD. I tried to maintain my position and not let anyone there break me. There were a few times when I wanted to just break out and let every underhanded person in that place have it, but God kept my mouth shut.

October came and went. During this time my mom I were going (still going) through some tough financial struggles. Seems like bills are always on the menu. Then on November 1 at 1:20pm my supervisor came to me to inform me that my time was up and that they would be laying me off!!! Of course she knew this ahead of time but waited until the last minuet to inform me. This lady has held me back from a number of positions that I know I was qualified for, but that is okay b/c God's favor is upon my life. Well, prior to me being laid off I found a cyst in one of most personal areas of my body. I was treated at my doctor and the next week is when I was laid off. November 7 was my birthday and during a that time another cyst formed....we're all adults here...both cysts were in my vagina area....the second one was right about the "sweet spot!" I again went to the doctor, she didn't know what it was so emergency surgery was needed. I went to the doctor on Tuesday..Wednesday morning I was called and told to be at Rex Surgical at 2pm so my procedure could be done at 2:30pm. Had the procedure only to be rushed to the ER the next night. Man, there was a battery of test performed from and EKG to a nuclear lung scan!!!

So now I'm unemployed (still), in pain, can't walk, getting vertigo from my medication, and now failing school because of my medical complications (currently going through and Financial Aid Academic Appeal as I type this)....WHAT A WAY TO END THE YEAR!! I'm pain free know,but I have some mountains to climb! That's okay because with every mountain there is a peak that can be reached and over that peak is my VICTORY and yours too if you believe! I can't dwell on my issues and trust there are too many right now, but God is my source, guide, and my Redeemer!

Well I give thanks anyway because I could not even be here. I could be dead mentally and physically. I've been battle tested and proven to win! There is nothing that can knock me down. Everything that happens is due in God's will.

I'm ready for 2011....I believing in elevation on every level. I speak over myself the positive and blessings over my life. I know if God had kept me this far....there must be something special for me at the finish line...God Bless everyone, see you in 2011, and know that even if I don't know you I still love you as God loves me!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Always In The Mood

I'm always in the mood to be inspired either by music, books, poetry, or people. Right now I have my music playlist on some the most inspiring gospel music (in my opinion) right now.

My favorite songs:

Vashawn Mitchell: Nobody Greater

Earnest Pugh: Rain on Us

Brian Courtney Wilson: All I Need and Already Here

Donald Lawrence: Back to Eden

Yolanda Adams: In the Midst of it All, Be Blessed, and The Battle is Not Yours

Vickie Winans: The Rainbow

Bishop Paul S. Morton and Choir: How Great Is Our God

Maurette Brown-Clark: Breaking of Day

Douglas Miller: My Soul Has Been Anchored In The Lord

Martha Munizzi: Because of Who You Are

My favorite writers: (not including too much fiction writers)

Nikki Giovanni

Mya Angelou

Cornell West

Tavis Smiley

Joyce Meyers

Sistah Souljah

My favorite Speakers (most are spiritual leaders):

My own Pastor and Assistant Pastor

Paula White

Joel Osteen

Pastor Jamal Bryant

Joyce Meyers

Cornell West

These were very short lists...if you have any suggestions spiritually based or not please feel free to share. I'm always in the mood for something new to inspire me.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

ONLY ME

Been busy as of last couple of months. Had some personal issues to resolve as well as grad school taking up my time. Finally, I have what seems like a milli-second to come here and post something. Well...here I am and here it is...

For the last couple of days it has been rainy and muggy out. With having no car and my mom's car being in the shop I have to ride the bus to work. Now, that doesn't bother me b/c nothing remotely interesting ever happens on my way to and from work. However this past Monday proved to be a little different. It began raining on Sunday evening and went on throughout the night..including us losing power for like 3 hours. Well I woke up Monday morning, LATE, and had to rush to the bus stop. Now to give a time frame this is what it was looking like.

Got up at 7:15....I usually catch the 7:21 bus..that didn't happen
Took bath and was out of the bathroom by 7:35
Got dressed by 7:40
Put wig on by 7:42
Left the house at 7:43
...it is an 8 minute walk from my house to the bus stop the bus comes at 7:52...
At 7:48 I am a block away from the bus stop...what do I see turning the corner..THE BUS
That bad boy came 4 minutes early...Now I had to wait until 8:21 for the next bus...IN THE RAIN!!

By this time car after car after car has passed me with every person giving me that "sad, oh, she's in the rain face.." Next thing I know...a car passes me, backs up and all I hear is "Are you going Downtown?" I yell "Yes Sir!" Now usually I would never step foot into the car of a strange man, but it was raining, I was getting wet (with an umbrella), and a mosquito had just bit me! So, I hopped my behind right into that car! He was a small framed man with glasses, so I figured if anything went down him and his little car would be tore up by your's truly!! Let's just say the ride was eventful for the 15 minutes that I was in there. This man cursed with ever other word he said, dug up his nose, made a phone call..while cursing, and asked for my phone number after getting me to work. I was not amused. To show my appreciation, I sent him a text the next day saying thank you it was nice, neat, and to the point. He didn't respond and I didn't think anything of it. That was until 5pm when he called me wanting to talk!! From our conversation he told me that he was divorced with 3 children the oldest being 22, 15, and 9....I promptly told I was 26! Not to mention he is a year younger than my mother (he is 48). I then told him I had an older brother! He kept dishing hints of "us" hanging out---"NOT HAPPNIN" He then goes on to talk about how he used to have a six pack and how he isn't in bad shape now and would show one day---EEERRR NOT HAPPNIN!!

How and why do I get the oldies and crazies...do I have a magnet or something?

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

In My Mind

Before I go into this post I have to shout out all of my fellow missionaries!! We just got back from Guayaquil, Ecuador. This was my fourth year in a row going and every year God never seems to do less than what we expect him to do. His power is so amazing and it is a true blessing to be an actual witness to what he can do in the lives of those that sincerely want to know him. I will have a post about my trip (it may be in several parts), but there will be one coming soon with pictures.

Okay, on to my post....I'm not sure how this is going to work out, but I am going to put out some things about me that only take place in my mind!...no I'm not crazy this is just another pit stop to helping me find my destination....IN MY MIND

I am a size 12 instead my actual size 26

I can sing

I can break dance...I'm the illest b-girl

I have an actual career

I have my dream car

I have my dream house

I'm not as shy as I am in reality

I don't have any body image problems

I'm the baddest chic you'll ever meet...at times

I have a sexier demeanor about me

I am with the man that God has designed for me....and he loves me

I have a 4.0 in grad school

This is only a short list, but when I take a look at it, it goes deeper for me. Some of this can be my reality if I stay focused on God and my own well being. 6 months to a year from now I will revisit this list and see which of them will be the truth for me...until then IN MY MIND they will be.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

IN THE MAKING

I am a blessing in the making:

God has given me the tools to become a blessing. Whether it is to myself or to those around me I am a blessing in the making. God's rewards on earth are mine (and yours) for the taking. The only thing is that we have to earn them. God will never hand us a victory or a blessing we have to earn them. Its not enough to say "Yes, I believe or Yes, I will follow." We have to live by example(s) as well. Don't judge me by the way that I dress, walk, speak, or look. Instead judge me by the way that I praise. Giving praise and worship to God is one of the highest acknowledgements of his existence. You see we can't hide from him nor can we run, but we can submit willing and forcefully. If we don't kneel down before him he will put us in a position were that (kneeling) will be the only option. God is not some man on the street that can be overlooked with little disregard. Instead he is a forceful, loving, all-knowing power that will take you were you need to be in any given moment in life. We may not always be were we want to be, but God has us were we need to be and it is up to us to see the blessing(s) behind that.

We all have different walks of life that we must follow. We will all answer to God at different times in our lives, when, that is left up to him. Being a blessing to someone is not about being perfect, or striving for perfection---that will never be humanly possible. Perfection is resting on the throne and we follow his footsteps. He set a path for each and every one of us. It is going to take some longer than others to follow that path, but in the end submission will happen. Being a blessing to others is not always about giving tangible items. Being happy for your brother or sister in the midst of their blessing can actually bless you! You may not see it and you may not understand it, but in the end God will reveal it to you. If you have dreams that you know are based on God's word and anointing speak them into existence because your dreams are only a visualization of the victories that await you. God will never not bless his people remember he wants to bless us.

It has taken me a while and I am still learning, but being were I want to be is not were God needs for me to be right now. See giving us everything we want will only spoil us. He will consider us for certain circumstances. He knows which one of us will be the strongest to withstand that is why we are given certain battles to fight. The battle we fight will never end in a loss. Why, because we were already given the victory. However, we must fight, praise, and pray in the midst of to show God that we do believe in his power. God will never put us through a battle to lose and be taken out. He will put us through so that we can see just how powerful he is and to see how quick we will call and allow him to operate in our going-through. Remember you are a blessing in the making!

God is real, God is love, God is here. Be a blessing to someone because you never know that person may in turn bless you!!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

I Wouldn't Blame You!!

If no one came back to my blog and quit following me I wouldn't blame you...my slack behind. I know this is going to seem really random because my last post was like 2 months ago and I was going on about how I was be posting more etc etc...

Well, graduate school kicked in and I had work coming from every spot imaginable. Found out my youngest uncle has bone cancer at age 44...To top everything off my mother had medical issues, her crappy work insurance wouldn't pay for a surgery that she needs, my job is giving the run-around, and my sperm donor...oopps father decided he wanted to step back into my life...

****INSERT NERVOUS BREAKDOWN HERE****

My grades this quarter ended up dropping due to all of the stress that flooded my life and situations have not gotten any better, well they have some what, but.....

my father is trying to get back into my life, but right now I am not feeling him. I have forgiven him, but the people around seem to think that b/c that has happened I should want to be around him NOT!! No one is understanding that and makes it very difficult for me to process everything. My mother insist on bringing him to our house without asking me which pisses me off something seriously and royally....and had the nerve to let the negro spend the night twice without asking. The second time I asked if he was staying she said no and the bastard did anyway--so much for my feelings!!! My brother has given me some good advice and understands that it is going to have to happen when I am ready (for the relationship to take place). My mom keeps saying don't wait too late b/c some people don't get this kind of chance. I know that and its true, but this man has had more than one second chance to get it right. I'm 26 (turn 27 in November)...from the time I could remember he's had plenty of chances, now things will have to happen on my terms and time.

I'm not bitter, hurt yes, mad not anymore...well I was for the past two weeks b/c my feelings were not taken into consideration. I got so mad that I just shut down and didn't say anything to anyone. If I said something it was one word answers with a sharp tone. I finally spoke with my mom and I still don't think she fully understands were I am coming from. This is a messy situation that is only complicated by the fact that this man wants to get back together with my mother and I am not stupid I see her falling back for him. She is grown and I can't control that so I just keep my mouth shut and go about my business. This is the time, now more than ever for me to get my own place b/c I'm not ready to be around him and have him over for dinner like we're a happy family!!.....Only God and time will fix this....

The final shot to my mixed up world right now is that I have been on my monthly cycle for two weeks!! I have very irregular cycles and take birth control pills to regulate it. However, having a temporary job position means no benefits, which means no doctor, which means no regular prescription. If I go to the doctor I have to pay out of pocket (-$$$) and the cost of the meds is crucial!!!....this could be stressed induced from everything else, but it can also be coming from my condition Polycysitc Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I was diagnosed with this when I was about 16. I got my first cycle at age 9 or 10. Had it every month for a year, had once the next year, skipped it during the ages of 12-15 (well spotting occurred every now and then), and finally was diagnosed at 16....

Thank God for Salvation cause a chic would have lost it a long time ago with everything that has been going on right now!!

Friday, March 19, 2010

Okay! Can U Say Renege...????

I feel like I have been playing a game of spades for the past few months. I know I came by here saying how I would be posting regularly...Well your girl has been in school since December and it has been kicking my behind big time. Between school, work, and personal issues I have been one busy chic. I just finished my first quarter of graduate school and your girl has a 3.0 GPA!!!---GO ME GO ME GO ME!!...let me stop.

Now how have all of you been? I trust that life has been treating you all very kind. I must say that God has blessed me to make it through some difficult situations and he is seeing me through one right now---HE WILL SHOW HIS GLORY!! I must say that coming here and writing is such a release of pressure for me. I am growing distant from someone that is really close to me, and only God knows how this is going to end. I don't know...I am starting to view things differently. I know it is me growing closer to God and me coming into my own grown-woman status...lol..

I guess this is my second step..now I don't know when the third will be, but hmmm I am not going to make empty promises and become a habitual reneger...I have a lot more to discuss, but I have to get back to my homework...Love all of you with the Love of the Lord--and that is true!!!...More to come!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

S.O.S..Same Old Sssshhhhh...ttttt!..with a side of mystery sauce!

When I first started this blog I had every intention on posting something everyday, week, and month. Well some how my focused changed, my love for writing changed, shoot I don't even have an excuse. So while I'm in the middle of homework--I've decided to put my procrastination aside and put something out here.

I really haven't visited the other sites that I used to frequent. I miss them so much. It has been what---2 months since my last post. Somethings have changed for me for one I am now in school getting my master's degree--2 snaps for me!! I will be the first in my family to receive such an honor. Other than going to school there really hasn't been anything new in my life. However, my friends, of course keep me entertained for days on end with there drama. Where should I start?

Best Friend:

She is done with that "chic" and is now talking to her ex-boyfriend again. You know the same one that had her spazzing out on the phone with me. Your boy has some serious issues and she does too. I don't know what to say about this one. He needs someone to be there for him cause his family isn't but I don't think it is healthy for her to be that person he leans on. Maybe its just me but I see the cycle of them going through pain and pleasure all over again. Only time will tell what happens and I will inform you all about it.

Co-Worker:

Now this female is seeing has been seeing this lazy, ignorant, piece of a man for over a year now. He half way works, has no respect for her, and is married--which he lied about. Now when she found out he was married his wife told her...How you may ask? Get this his wife contacted my friend via FACEBOOK!!!.....I was on complete mute when that happened...all you could hear in my head was *crickets singing*....they have gone through some more stuff, but my issue with her is that she keeps saying she is tired of him. She can't be too tired cause they have moved twice since being together--with her paying for everything during both moves. From the things she has told me about this dude--I DON'T TRUST HIM!!...She said she planned to leave him on Dec. 31st well that day has come and gone and he is still there. Well it is Jan. 7 and she hasn't been to work in 2 days. I don't know what is going on, but I'm not going to jump to any conclusions. All I know is, if this girl does not come to work tomorrow I will be calling her. If she doesn't call, text, or hit me up on facebook...suspect #1 will be getting a knock at the door from the police!! I just have a gut feeling that if she tries to leave him he will go crazy. I know one time she was going to leave him. She had found a place for her and her kids (none of them his). Everything was in order and when it was time for her to move she got mysteriously sick...I mean hospital sick--seizure and all. I think ol' dude put something in her food cause he is the only one that cooks in the house.....Jeenkies Shaggy I Smell A Mystery!!!!...I will inform you on what happens later.

Oh for the few follower that I do have thanks for not removing yourself and for the new one I noticed...thanks!!! I won't be gone for too long this time--I Promise!!